Surviving Wilderness

This morning Tandy is on a cleaning jag, and all I want to do is stay in my PJs and read.  I will pay for that mindset later at some point.  Maybe today or maybe tomorrow, but it surely is in the near future.  This week has seemly been emotionally hard as I have had to adjust my thinking to my past, future, and encounters of others around me.  I find that there are many parts of my life that I just "overlook."  In my overlooking, I realize that there are emotional connections that I have not completely dealt with.  Make no mistake, when we do this they will arise or show up at some point to be dealt with again.  And the pain that comes with it will call into question; Why did I not deal with this the first go around?  When you begin that circle of thinking, it starts a vortex of emotions.  The what ifs, the why nots, the I wishes, and the if onlys.  In the spiritual and Christianese world we call it the Wilderness experience.  Where all temptations happen to get us to go back. 

My friends have been leading a Bible study in their home,  because they have found many Christians are walking in that atmosphere as they too are doing the same.  It is not like they know the way out or pointing to others as justifying dictatorship as I know the only and right way, but it is more of come walk with me, because I am right there too.  Last night they handed me two books that they are beginning to study in their group.  How timely they speak of Wilderness experiences.  This week I am realizing we have many wildernesses in our lives.  We try to clump them all together as one and as we do that, we overlook the importance of the experience itself.  Resulting in the uprise of the overlook that WILL happen down the road.  We also typically focus on the atmosphere of the Wilderness itself and lose sight that the focus should be on the getting out.  There have been times that I like the scenery in the Wilderness and have stayed in that place longer than I ever should have.  It usually comes by depression and napping with me.  Let me just lay here for awhile. Shut down and shut everyone and everything out.  There is no searching in this place, mercy in this place,  forgiveness in this place, but there is lots of anger, hopelessness, justification, and ego.  The statements of "I do not need them, I do need this, or I can do this on my own" come to mind.  

I am learning the Wilderness is meant to break you.  Break you not in the sense of into pieces, though it can feel like that at times, but break you WIDE OPEN.  It is the only way to get out, to be broken wide open.  Some of us chose to stay in the anger, hopelessness, justification, with our egos and go on living in the Wilderness.  We encounter those in our daily lives. People who are bitter by life events and situations.  People who justify their behavior because of the behavior of others.  We all have done it, but it is our choice whether we continue to stay there.  There is a statement in one of the books that rings true if applied to any Wilderness situation,  "...weeping  for pain and weeping for joy, because the two are often linked more closely than we can imagine."  It continues with the thought of suffering leads to the saving.  The only way out is brokenness to the point of WIDE OPEN.  Define it however you want. Christianese calls it, "Worship or crying out."  Those outside of that thought call it, "Honesty with self and transparency about weakness."  No matter the definition, WIDE OPEN is the path out. 

  

The Other Side

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the other side.  At first, I wonder if the other side thinks about me.  Probably not. But it does not stop me from trying to understand the other side.  Who is the other side you might wonder?  We all have them.  Those people we have ideas about or those people that we have encountered at some point, yet no longer encounter ever... The other side...  Severance with groups of people have always disturbed me. They come with relationship breaks, fights, deaths, and even births.  They come with differencing views on civil rights, politics, theologies, morals, and ethics.  The other side.  One might argue life changes, people change and I can agree, but it seems our views of self inflicted ME FIRST mentality usually is the root cause of the creation of The Other Side.  We try to fit people in our box of thought, actions, and beliefs then yet cannot see just the simple pure value of the life on the other side.  Sad really how shallow we can be.  We hold grudges to the grave, never trying to mend. All the while, we wave banners of Christian, Good People as we taunt the other side with the ME FIRST mentality.

Today, I began to read about a man that was homeless, full of poverty in all aspects of his life.  He depended on hand outs for income.  When he was hungry he would eat raw foods.  He was ridiculed mostly by those that seemly had it all together.  Those driven by the ME FIRST mentality.  Some people thought he had mental health issues and believed he was a lunatic.  The end of his life was very tragic.  Basically, he was accused of a crime he never committed.  Witnesses were hired to lie to say, "He did it."  The jury was rigged. He had a dirty judge that needed some political gain.  In the end he was handed the death penalty.  What would have happened if people got to know the other side...Would his life ended the way it did? What if the other side had love to give?  Wisdom to give in-spite of his different quirky ways.  What if.... what if.... what if.... My new purpose to engage and know the other side, whatever that may be, and to respect the life that is there.

The apostle Paul wrote in Philippians, "I want to know Christ and the power that raised him from the dead."  Most of us like to refer to the other side as, 'dead to us.'  What if, what was dead to us was raised?  What would it take? Power? What is this power that Paul speaks of... my only conclusion can be love.  Love that reaches to the other side.  Paul goes onto say, "...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.  Guess its not about me after all.  It is love straining to reach forward the other side of what lies ahead.

The homeless man that I read about today, did that.  Actually, that was the root reason they killed him.  He reached into the other side and changed the world as we know it.  He changed our culture, society, and belief system.  Whether we believe or not the story of him he changed the world.  It happened by loving the other side.  No matter your thoughts of real events, or faith based beliefs Jesus has made his name known.  A homeless man, who borrowed beds, mostly slept on dirt, who never thought of himself, yet valued the other side.  Even when they did not think about him, Jesus changed/and made history...in its simplest form...all for the other side.

#55strong

It has been awhile since I have blogged, but I can assure you that I have tried.  I have typed out two or three blogs then would just delete them.  The reason being, there has been so much to process in my head that there could not be just one focal point to communicate an actual point.  It has been and currently is like that huge ball of string all knotted up or the slinky that is tangled up.  You know when you see those things coming, you take a deep breath and think to yourself, "Not again," and then say, "I can figure this out."  That is where I am.  However, in actuality I am enslaved to the system. The systematic processes of the untangling.

I am involved in a movement of justice for the people, that actually I did not ask for, yet desperately need.  It is one of those times in life you do not realize how hungry you are until you smell food, or you do not see how poor you are until someone outside your poverty befriends you.   The history of that fight in this part of the country at least dates back to the Civil War.  West Virginians, the mountain people, never knowing how much we look like a third-world country.  Do not get me wrong, I love my home state.  Even while I type I have a WV sweatshirt on, now do not get it confused with a WVU sweatshirt, because I live in Herd Country, which could make some around me go into convulsions.  Yet, I am proud I am Alumni of Marshall University.  It was the school in West Virginia that use to be deemed 'the teacher school' back in the day when compared to West Virginia University.  However, I can whisper and say, "I like WVU sports"....sigh, I know.  In Huntington, WV that is blaspheme.

Lately, WV has made national and international news dealing with a Teacher Strike.  It is an awful place to be in terms of security.  Will I get paid?  How long is this going to last?  I have already paid for a beach vacation.  Fact is we are ranked 48th or 49th in teacher pay, depending on your sources.  I have a Master's Degree and I do not make a decent wage.  The cost of living has surpassed my wage and that is the cost of living in WV, which you know is not high according to any other parts of the country.  The cost of living has raised 4.9% and teachers are asking for 5% raise, which only continually puts us at the bottom of the barrel.  Are there times I have worried about feeding my children? Yes.  Have there been times that I worry about paying my bills? Yes.  Though those are my worries, I do realize there are others that have it worse off than me.  My thoughts do not take away their own poverty, but I have mine too.  I pay for the beach trips by my income taxes and go to the cheapest beach in America, which ALL West Virginians go to...Myrtle Beach, SC.  I use my taxes to pay off bills that I have gotten behind on throughout the year, because my wage isn't enough.  But what about your spouse?  Doesn't she make good money?  Ummm, no! She works for a program funded by the State.  She has two Master's Degrees and has been in  her job 25+ years and makes the same as I do.  In the real world our salaries together would equal one salary outside of the Mountain State, which still would be considered a low wage.  There have been times we go shop at Goodwill not because we want a cheap bargain, but I have growing boys and search for good clothes there.  We have a Goodwill located in Barboursville (outside of Huntington), richer people live there.  I can typically find name brands there.  When things get really tight I go through the boys clothes or things even we do not use anymore and sell them.  I do not say these things for pity.  I say them for reality.  Other states I could have public assistance.  Actually, I did.  When I first got divorced from my Ex-husband I moved across the river to Kentucky, and my college degree wage from WV got me on the system.  I had a food stamp card and the boys had a medical card.

My story is not uncommon.  I have never asked for hand-outs or even for money.  Actually there was this one time I asked my mother for money, and my sister, because I needed more money for a down payment for a car.  It was my first ever car to own by myself, and I had no credit.  You know how I paid them back...Student loan money.  However other than that, never.  Teachers have made their demands in this strike, 5% raise or we do not go back, and fix our insurance.  The insurance is on track for solutions, but the 5% has not happened for a multiple of idiotic and political gaming reasons.  Therefore on Monday I still do not get to return to my classroom.  The place where I am called to be and the place that reminds me why I even take a low wage.  Children.  The poverty of learning, or the poverty of the development of children.  My whole make-up, my happy place is always around children.

Teachers are survivors in the State of West Virginia, nothing has ever been handed to any of us.  We work hard to teach those same skills.  The true teacher drive will outlast anyone.  How do I know this?  I know it because we are the type of people that get a cussing in one breath by a 10 year old and then make sure they are fed by lunch time.  We move sometimes 20+ students along heading to a common goal everyday as we move them in UNIITY, no matter their development levels.  All eyes are on us to see our next move.  We will win this!  Once again I know this, because we have been taught to fight through.  Figure it out.  Find ways.  This game that is being played with our lives and the lives of our students is not anything new for us.  This is our daily job, as we barely have educational resources, like paper for our students (paper for teachers is gold currency).   Our slogan that is our driving force to continue is #55strong.  We will stay 55 counties strong in this, because we were 55 counties strong before this...Now everyone else in this country is hearing the screams and groaning of labor pains of this Mountain Momma... Take US home country roads...to the place where we belong.

"The Tie That Binds"

When I was growing-up I had the opportunity to go to many concerts, and youth rally events.  There is nothing like an arena or standing in the US Capital Mall with thousands of others, as you hear rumbling in the atmosphere.  You know, when you walk in an area, and the stirring gives you goose-bumps... I use to say that was the Holy Spirit because most of the events I went to were Christian based.  Now I am not saying God didn't have something to do with it, because there was always anticipation of the Lord's presence.  However, there have been other times in my life that I have felt that same thing aside from a Christian based event.  Like when the warm-up songs come on before a basketball game, or volleyball game I was about to play.  Sometimes, it now even happens right before I coach.  Or how about when I walk into Marshall University Football Stadium through the tunnel to find my seat and hear AC/DC Thunderstruck.  Is it the Holy Spirit?  Probably not.  Now once again I know God is always with me, and he tries to talk to me continually through this hard head, and sometimes hard heart of mine, but my view on spiritualism has come from Bapti-costal influences (the mix of baptist and pentecostal). Bapti-costal is not a word, or thing but more of my personal theology of how I view and wade through the mudding waters of "Christian."  The Bapti-side of me was foundational as a child, which would be more logical thoughts of christianity.  The Costal-side of me is more charismatic which in tells the only answer must be God to every question.  In the south,  my best fit in a church ideally would be a predominately African American Baptist...this white girl would be right at home in that atmosphere.

Yesterday, I got that same feeling...goose-bumps, full of anticipation,  and I heard rumbling in the atmosphere.  It is really a powerful thing.  When I walked through the door of the WV capital, chants echoed the halls.  As we walked through the maze of hallways the sound kept getting louder and louder. Once we hit the rotunda, a sea of people were there with signs, singing, and chanting.  Even when the group moved through the Capital a new set of goose-bumps would appear.  We were there for a purpose.  A common goal, and vision.  A cry for change.  After most of the demonstration, I walked back to my truck in rain by myself.  I noticed the overwhelming calm and quiet that was over me.  You would have never known that 5 minutes before I walked out, because the atmosphere inside never changed.

On my walk back I began wondering and consciously asking, "Why do the goose-bumps happen, and all the feelings that go with it?"  My mind went back to major events and times that it had happened when I claimed it was the Holy Spirit.  What was similar? What was different?  My revelation came as I sat dripping with water, UNITY.  An atmosphere full of UNITY creates those physical and emotional reactions.   I could easily be a junky to the adrenalin of Unity.  There is a scripture that confirms this very thing... In Ecclesiastes there is a scripture about a cord of three.  The scripture says, "Though one can be over thrown, two can defend themselves but three strands are not easily broken."  What if the strands are hundreds?  Thousands? Millions?  How powerful would the cord be?

What if there was a cord against gun violence? Unfair wages? Unjust actions toward another because the color of their skin?  Or simply a cord on a basketball court?  Could it be broken?  Guess it would depend on how tight the bind of the cord is... does it seem like one cord or is it frayed.  Unity is so simple, yet so big.  It can be applied anywhere to create change, or win a battle.  It is the secret weapon that can destroy any mass.

"Teacher, Teacher"

Recently in West Virginia, there is an uprising happening with Public Employees over insurance.  Teachers are part of that group, which makes me part of that group.  I find myself glued to Facebook pictures and comments on the direction and thought processes of my colleagues, as I sort out my own dilemmas.  Throughout the last week, I have learned WV teachers are 48th in pay as measured to other teachers in this country.  That some feel we do nothing, with seemly short working days, holidays off, and seasonal breaks.  That our insurance is not only starting to cost us more, but also starting to infringe on our rights.  That we are in the cross-hairs of strikes, walk-outs, walk-ins, and threats from the powers that be.  People are being asked moral and ethical questions that effect their livelihood, which gives more ethical and moral dilemmas.

West Virginia regions are vastly different from coal fields to the northern panhandle.  One of my historian teacher friends went live on Facebook and talked about why he teaches.  Challenging teachers to do the same.  Interesting concept of unity.  I will say there is some truth to the Nay-sayers.  There are those people in the profession of teaching that do come into it, because of yearly calendar.  I will also tell you that they typically do not last.  The realization of what your schedule says on paper is not accurate.  They soon realize the scheduled time, and the money do not match up.  Outside of work hours, I have multiple parents contacting me about work related things about their children.  I work with special needs children, which heightens the concerns for most parents.  Four days out of five in my work week, I cannot leave my classroom to have lunch nor get a break throughout the day. As it is too risky for me to leave for some of my children's medical needs.  If I go to the bathroom I must take my phone, just in case there might be an emergency, and my aides need me in the ten minutes that I am gone.  Almost everyday, I give a student clothes, more food, or some form of emotional support.  Most parents cannot tolerate their own children for more than one day, and teachers sign up to take on 20+ in most cases.  There are days you cry, laugh, and cry and laugh all at the same time.  We are watching our students lose parents and family members to the drug epidemic.  So now we also are grief counselors, and not just educators.  We grieve because it is not uncommon to lose two or three children in your classroom to Child Protective Service (CPS), or that you gain two or three children because of CPS.

I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to teach in West Virginia.  No money.  Not much growth.  I have a master's degree, and I make $20,000 less than the national average of those with master's degrees.  So why do it?  Why teach?  Why West Virginia?  If you are a real teacher, then it is no longer a profession, but a passion.  You know that there are those that need you.  They do not need you  just because you are teaching reading, and math, or any other subject. Learning is so much more than that.  We spend more time with your children than you do.  We are teaching social skills, ethics, coping skills, and for some just how to survive.  I teach in WV, because I want to give back what has been given.  That does not mean it is not hard.  That does not mean I have a spouse who supports my family financially, since I teach.  Even in the hardness I stay, because it matters to me.  It matters to my community, and it matters to this world.  Public Employees are not asking for much considering what is really handed out across the state.  We are the glue that keeps all underfunded programs and services working.  I fear what is coming next.  I fear for my own children.  I fear for my family.  I fear for this state.

Next week when I hear, "Teacher, Teacher " the cost will seem different.

"Put Me In Coach"

I woke up this morning after a three day stretch of middle school girl's basketball games, thinking to myself; What constitutes a win?  All our games ended with a win for us, I might add.  However, is a win just measured by score? Being number one?  Most points made?  Making my question more complicated is a win the same as success?

Every time I coach no matter the age of the athlete you deal with the same issues. Maybe different intensity, but same root issues.  Parents who think their child is the best: Why are they not playing more?  Why are they not getting the ball more, running the ball more, pitching the ball more?  My favorite is, you are a terrible coach, statements from parents.  Then you play teams that are totally gunning for you.  You walk in their gym or on their field, and the whole community just wants to hate you, because of a win from two years ago.  (Me even typing that, it makes me laugh at how ridiculous that is.) Yet, they also make sure they find the ref or umpire that hates you just as much to bend calls.  Finally then, you have to deal with players.  Players that do not believe in themselves.  Players that have great ability, but are uncoachable. Players that lack in ability, but have heart.  Players that have no clue how good they are, so they goof off.  Nevertheless, if you mutter through all that and in a game get a win, sometimes you do not realize what a miracle that just might be.

But back to my original question, Is a win the same as success?  I am going to say, "No."  The more I think about it, the more I believe a win is settling for less in the pursuit for success.  Success has no end, you can always be more successful.  However, when the clock horn sounds, or at the end of the 9th inning...you will find a win or a lose.  Both could be a measure of success.  I told the girls last night before the game, "Success is when preparation and opportunity meet."  The measure of preparation will determine the level of success once you have the opportunity to succeed.  I have gotten the chance to watch girls who never played the game of basketball succeed, because they wanted to be successful, not just win.  It was about development of their self.  Those who get stuck in the muck of opinionated parents, uncoachable attitudes, or hung up on wins or loses stifle real success from ever happening.  If they are lucky they might get a win here or there.

Sports throughout the years have taught me many life lessons.  Those that I have coached no matter the age I have tried to give those nuggets to them as I too try to use them.  In life you are going to have "haters"  no matter what you do.  You could be the best coach, teacher, parent, employee, player, or spouse, but someone is going to have an opinion that you are not the right person for the job.  You will hear people are replaceable in positions.  However, those statements typically get in people's heads to create poor attitudes, because those opinions/ statements have some truth.  So then the weight of success falls on you.  Will you settle for a few wins or will you be successful at wherever your feet are planted?  Will your preparation when given the opportunity create success?

My daddy taught me along time ago a lesson that seems to have missed some generations.  Stop playing the blame game.  Lack of success is never because of an outside source.  It is not because you work for a bad company, have terrible coaches, your spouse is mean, your parents did not care, or even that you grew up poor.  Lack of success happens because YOU do not put in the time for preparation.

I guess my thoughts this morning boil down to this... MY preparation will determine MY success when given the opportunity, and hopefully I will get a few wins along the way.

"In The Stillness"

Early mornings always have a sense of calm to them.  Maybe that is just because I do not have two little bodies running around stirring the whole house, and continuing chanting, " Mom. Mom. Mom." Or maybe it is because it is before the sun is up, and there is a stillness in the atmosphere.  I have noticed, included myself we struggle with stillness.  We wrestle with it.  Does that mean we do not move?  I do not believe so.  I believe it is a state of mind more than it has to do with motion.  We create motion so we do not have to be still, in our bodies or in our thinking.  It is almost like a domino effect.  Be still and know...  What a loaded regurgitated scripture, and statement, that we have a hard time even understanding the concept and point.

There are multiple studies out there that talk about average amount of times we make decisions a day.  They range from 220 to 700,000.  Regardless, the right average number it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.  Like many in the Bible Belt, I have been taught there is a definite right path and wrong path.  There is never gray, it is always black and white.  You know, " The path of the Lord is through a narrow gate."  I believe that statement, but not in the context that it has been taught to me.  It has nothing to do with a path, meaning an actual path, but has everything to do with a state of mind and heart.  The narrow gate is choosing love over hate, forgiveness or vengeance, faith over fear, you get the point.  It is the harder state of heart and mind.  We would rather walk away than work it out.  Cuss people out, than to listen and understand.  Handling things in life contrary to what is easy is the narrow gate and the path of the Lord.

Decision making always is a struggle for me.  Which is the right way? Which is the wrong way? I do not want to mess up, or miss it.  I have been taught that the Lord is waiting to smack me over the head when I make a wrong choice.  Now, there have been times I totally needed the Lord and everyone else to smack me over the head for some decisions in life. However, do not get me wrong, there are natural consequences to decisions.  Sometimes, we do not for see those consequences.  Leadership in any sense is not something I take lightly, but I seem to always be thrusted into, even when I run from it.  It finds me.  So not only do I make decisions for my four, and try to say, "No more."  I also am typically making decisions for hundreds.  That is a lot of pressure.  More and more I am learning it is not necessarily a right way or a wrong way, it is in the being still that matters.

Sometimes you just know when a decision is wrong.  It is not out of fear or worry. It is just wrong.  As an example, shooting up would just be wrong,  and driving 103 miles an hour in a 25 speed zone just would be wrong.  But what happens when you do not know what the natural consequences are going to be.  I am huge on transparency and being relatable.  So I am going to go out on that limb.  Personally, my family has had offers to increase job opportunities.  It would not be much change in salary, maybe a little more,  more independence, but also more riding on self.  There are pros and cons, what do you do?  What do you do when you are typically the one that leads and you have no answers for those waiting?  Then in the waiting, those holding out for you to lead start to get discourage and immediately say, "Let's not do this."  They think it must be the wrong way, because I am not leading in any direction.  At the same time,  I am in a position that making decisions effects at least 150 families in my community, not including a future story for a community that clings to it's historical roots.  In this position, decisions that need to be made are not wrong or right, but more matters of comfort and opinions.  However, either direction will have natural consequences, that will greatly effect the community and families.  I put all options on the table when making decisions.  I try not to do anything without weighing it all out.  When I do that others around me think that I am heading in one direction, but that typically is not the case.  I want to make informative decisions.  In the gathering of information, I also am trying to be still.  Is there a right or wrong path in any of these situations?  God waiting to hit me over the head?  Probably not, but I am sure there are some people that want to.  

This is what I know, when I need wisdom, I seek those who are wise.  When I want informed, I go to those that have information.  When I need peace as I go, I go to the place where I find it; Some meditate, pray, take walks, work out, but I go to the Bible.  It must be spoken to me.  There are 89 verses in the Bible that talk about making crooked paths straight.  But with two of them it is prefaced by stating, "Prepare the way the of the Lord."  Which means to me I must do something to prepare for the crooked path to be straight. My answer to that is, "Be still and know that I am God."  It is how I prepare.  If he dwells inside of me, and orders my steps, then wherever I plant my foot he is there.  Being still before I step,  prepares me to take my first step, and as I left my leg in a direction within the atmosphere of stirring, "Make room she is about to step, and she comes in the name of the Lord, because that is not an item of clothing to take on and off.  It is in her. Prepare the way. The crooked paths will become straight."  What I can be assure of no matter the decisions or directions I go, I am not alone.  My stillness is almost over, I am about ready to step.