What's That Smell

Christmas break with everyone has been great until this morning, when I woke up to the aroma of dog shit.  Ugh... That never typically happens and Tandy and I never agree on the guilty party, however we both agree it wasn't Millie (English Bulldog).  I wrestle all the time with Bella, our old Golden, about the time to put her down.  It is a hard decision, but we are at the point that we check to see if she is breathing sometimes.  I am sure sensible and heart-led pet owners all have this struggle to say, "Ok, it is time."

During Christmas break I have been with people of different beliefs, faiths, political views, economical status, genders, cultures, and intelligence.  The interesting part of it all was we all say the same things in our own way, "When is it time?"  I am not just saying it about particular issues of the world, but we all say it.  "When is it time to... take that trip.... change a job...get up...move...feel better...love more...let go...hold on?"  We tend to think about the bigger issues of the world first, political views and changes, investigations, walls, government shut downs, wars, discriminations, and dehumanizations.  Those are all very important...very important, but to be honest I am just a small drop in an ocean that needs the color of the water to change.  Those changes take time.  Smaller changes, self changes can happen right now.  Nevertheless, most of us sit and say, "When is it time to...?"

I have also taken notice that there is a very fine line with tolerance, mercy, and enabling which most of us have not figured out and it creates most of our life problems big or small.  The end result of us not finding balance or clarity of tolerance, mercy, and enabling is the same.  We wake up smelling shit.  By the time we decide to talk to family or friends about issues we have already smelt the shit.  Then you start the cycle of, "I don't know what to do."  As you bounce off ideas from those you love or respect for solutions, constantly in your nostrils is that stench you woke-up to... shit.

I personally at times am waiting to wake-up.  With different issues, I have gotten accustom to the smell.  I will own it.  Not sure if there is anyway to wake-up once that happens or maybe I am not suppose to, however it is clear that someone somewhere who is sensible and heart-led will say to me, "Ok, it is time,"  whenever I need it.  I am blessed that way.  I always use the thought, It takes a community or village to raise a child so chose yours wisely.  In Appalachia, it is very common to hear terrible grammar or crazy slang... "But I am not done with my raisen."  I need all the community and village I can get, because I understand my weaknesses and at times wake-up to the smell of shit.

Last Words

As I have sat today and watched the funeral events for our 41st President, it makes me emotional.  This is going to be a short thought for today,  however two things are constantly running in my mind. What would be my last words?  How will I be remembered?  I agree with the messages today during the service.  We all have an imprint we place on the world; What will mine be?  Have I been kind enough? Loved enough?  Taught the boys enough?  Extended my hand enough?  As we live this life I am not sure ENOUGH will ever happen.  But it was stated today and even throughout the Bible, "The  Vision of Life does not happen until Death."  So it is not mine to display.  The goal now is to not ever let ENOUGH happen.

Leashed Love

It to me is blistering cold outside this morning especially at the crack of dawn.  I am sure spending last week in Florida does not help me to stop thinking about how cold the weather feels in comparison of actual temperature.  Since we have been back, sleep is not a high priority for Charlee (the now over grown puppy) to let me sleep.  For the last two nights she has slept on me, beside me, and at 4 a.m. decides the bed is not the place she wants either of us to be.  So I then move down to the basement by the fire hoping she will be happy with that, but that too doesn't work.  Then I spend the next three hours until I can no longer bare it saying, "STOP CHARLEE, NO CHARLEE, GO LAY DOWN CHARLEE."  Welp, now all is well with the world for Charlee because I am up and now she is calm. Figures.  How do you love something so much, yet hate it at the same time?  The worse part about this season with Charlee is deer patrol.  Yes, deer patrol.  We are filtrated by deer daily, which drives Charlee nuts.  Running from windows to doors, barking.  I have never prayed for hunters, but I am this season.  Hunters please come and stay with us.  Tandy will cook and you can shoot all you want from our deck. Actually,  just walk out our front door.  Charlee will run them off if we let her out, but I worry she will get shot herself chasing them.  She gets so proud of it when she does, but it just stresses us out.  Leash walking it is until, fingers crossed, hunters have their way.

Charlee reminds me about somethings I have seen this week and people in general.  People do the same things as Charlee, they run from windows to doors barking to be heard.  Barking to scare off something out there that might be dangerous.  It is a scary time we live in right now, with all the barking.  You never know if someone will actually storm out the door to attack or do they have a leash on.  Left or Right, people have lost their humanity.  It is funny to me how one side will naturally always think that they are indefinitely correct in their thoughts, and ideas.  News Flash or Fake News, however your view, NO ONE IS CORRECT 100% of the time.   Barking has thrown ethics and morality to the way-side.  Last night we drove past a marque of a church that I highly regard which said, "Be Thankful for our Religious Liberties."  Do we have those?  I mean in theory we do.  However, there is a lot of barking at you if you if you do not claim Christianity.  I know there are plenty of Muslims that wonder if the barking will ever lead to an attack.   

Two memes that I've read this week have really bothered me.  One has come from the Left and the other from the Right.  The first meme was about Michelle Obama's new book.  It showed someone throwing away the book in the trash then says, "This is how you read Michelle Obama's new book."  The second meme has a picture of Ivanka Trump with the statement, "LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!" Attaching the story of her using a personal email account for government business.  Both memes were posted by seemly people that I think are good people, but it very much gave me a different view of them.  Is it all just barking?  I don't know. However, the barking makes us focus on the barker.  It keeps us all on alert.  Here is the lesson I am learning and definitely learned this morning,   if I just get up instead of saying, "STOP CHARLEE, NO CHARLEE, GO LAY DOWN CHARLEE" the barking tends to stop faster and a leash shows I love her, which stops the attacks.  Maybe, if we all just would get up the calm would come.

Where's Waldo?

Every now and then when I let myself sit, you know just be in the quiet, I realize things about myself as I reflect.  As my journey in life progresses there are actually things that I am getting better at doing... We all have life patterns if we would recognize them.  I have said it before, one of my life patterns or purposes is always to move a group of people in a direction.  I cannot make them move, I cannot speak enough to change minds, however by who I am as leader direction changes.  That does not mean it is permanent.  What others do after I exit is up to them whether direction stays the same.  I do not take groups of people to the promise land though I used to suffer trying, but that is not my role in life.  My role/pattern is to stand at the Red Sea and say, "Come on let's walk through it."  And then just like that, you get to start a wilderness experience; Wondering why in the world did we ever walk through that Sea?

I am at that place again in life.  We have walked through the Red Sea found some Wilderness and now it is time for me to exit.  I am not suppose to go to the promise land.  How do I know?  When there are multiple groups of people waiting on me to hold up a staff, I know it is time to leave the ones I have already walked with through the sea.  I have taken pride in being the President of our local youth football league, made some changes, been in a position to love on kids and tried to put them first.  But it is time for me to exit.  I am not sure of the promise land for it,  but my time is up.  Last year, before I even realized it other things were starting to evolve and fall into place of where I need and should be.  I will say the hardest part is I cannot be all things to all people at the same time, because I so love youth sports.  But I will tell it isn't what it use to be.

Youth sports have become a catch all for participation trophies, and community belonging.  Those things are not bad, however it has cost us.  No longer are coaches allowed to coach.  You cannot push a kid because someone gets upset, because they do not like your tone.  No longer are volunteers valued, however they are slaughtered by words of negativity, though those doing the slaughtering are not willing to take time to volunteer themselves.  I was told this year by someone when I was going through a hard time with youth sports... "I got out of youth sports, because I was tired of destroying and losing friendships over it."  I now get it.  People do not like to hear, "Your child does not have the ability or even the desire to play." However on the flip side, "It is also painful for parents to watch their child not get a chance."  I have experienced both sides.  Personally, this year I sacrificed my own child's success to not let 12 other families down with having a team.  As a parent it has been very hard, but as a President it was the right decision.  I am not willing to make those calls anymore.

The seasons once again are changing in my life.  Sometimes, I often feel like I am in a Where's Waldo  book.  Next week I will pop-up on a basketball court.  Which I am excited about, and it also seems to be a season to make family memories as much as possible.   Seasonal change sometimes is like breathing fresh air.  I use to fight against it, but I am learning to embrace the need for things to die in-order for there to be new growth.

Are You Numb?

This past week I have watched interviews and videos of HOT BUTTON topics in the the news right now.  You do not typically see me post or rant about politics or hot button topics, because I firmly believe you have a right to your opinion, though I might not agree with you.  However, sometimes the bantering like children fighting over a toy, that goes on and on in our society does drive me nuts at times.  I am always up for a healthy debate on issues and views of the world around us.  Healthy being the operative word.  Nevertheless, most people are not up for a healthy conversation or debate they go for the jugular.  There comes a point where conversations are no longer about information exchanges or ideas, but it becomes about the kill.  Most people do not want to view human behavior as barbaric, but it seems we are less civilized than what we are willing to acknowledge.  People are cruel and it saddens me we are teaching generations that it is okay.

When in the world did everyone get so mean?  I can remember if people saw others in a fight they would stop and break it up.  Those notions are almost foreign.  The reason I know this is because we no longer stand against the MEAN of the world, yet stand with them.  Have you ever watched the show, "What Would You Do?" Well,  if you haven't the shows premise is to create situations in public to see how people would respond.  Basically, putting the MEAN out there to see if any good person will come and shut down the mean.  Interesting plot for entertainment, don't you think?  Which also tells me that my assumptions are true that MEAN is such a norm, that someone had a bright idea to show there might still be some good out there.

My thoughts are NOT on the HOT BUTTON topics, however once again when in the world did we all grow numb to the MEAN.  When did times change that we allow others to make fun of people with disabilities,  demoralize people over gender, race, social status, and ethnicity?  Or when did we decide to graze over any form of abuse.  I know this has always happened.  Groups of people oppressed,  but there were good folks out there that would join and stand up and say, "You know this just isn't right how people are treated."  Where are those people?  I watch good people care more about what is in their bank account than to Vote against such things.  Where are the good people?  Where are the Martin Luther King Jr.s,  Abe Lincolns,  Mahatma Gandis, Joan of Arcs, John Kennedys, and Nelson Mandelas?  Don't get me wrong all people have flaws and even the ones I listed have flaws.  There is a difference in flaws and mean.

Now,  I will nail the Church and Church Folk.  In the midst of MEAN, not only are you allowing it, but you lead it.  Hypocrisy of Christianity makes my blood boil faster than anything.  It is MEAN masked in good. (DISCLOSURE STATEMENT: There are still good saints among us.  Very few, it is almost like the Jedi Order) You know good ole scripture... Having a FORM of godliness but denying the power thereof...  But actually just this week I had pieces of the onion of revelation peeled back.  This is not new from the Church.  It is just what has happen behind the doors of the Church coming out into the streets, because the Church has become so full of it that it has no other place to go, but out.  I have said this many times and I said it again this past week.  It is one of those life changing statements that your heart speaks that your mind must wrap around.  Here is my message to the Church, because of the MEAN...  "If you really know Jesus he would have nothing to do with the Church.  Jesus would have to learn CHURCH, because he is so far removed from it."

This would be the modern day scene.  Politicians, Christianity all standing around with rocks labeled with words,  greed, sexual abuse, liar, mental abuse, slave, controlling etc... around those that are victims of the words on the rocks.  As the accusers (Politicians, Christianity)  raise their hands and scream, "IN THE NAME OF JESUS."  Jesus all the while, crouched down drawing in the sand beside the victims.  This time and in this story he doesn't stop the rocks from being thrown.  Not this time. This time he stays close to the ground where he knows the victims are going to fall.  The accusers sense justification as they see Jesus crouched on the ground because he is near. Yet, he is not near because of them.  The victims fall one by one as they are stoned.  Jesus as he stays close to them whispers in their ears,  "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in Heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your Name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, I never you; depart from Me you who practice lawlessness! Don't worry I got you."

Right Now

Have you ever wanted to scream, but when you go to open your mouth there is no sound?  You slowly close your mouth knowing that the scream does not matter.  The scream does not change the situation.  The scream does not change your emotions.  The scream doesn't fix a thing.  It is just a scream.  Interesting how we always say, the what ifs... If I ever had... If I had to deal with... If that was my child... If I were the coach...  If that was my husband/wife... If, if, if...  Yet, we find ourselves in the "What ifs" and there we are mouths open with no sound.  Who is the scream for?  You? Those around you? The situation?  Or best option D. all the above?

I am writing today, because I have so many questions.  What do you do when the "What ifs" become reality?  How are you suppose to feel?  Act?  This is my dose of life at the moment.  What ifs that become reality.  In the last week,  I am starting to understand the reality of the "What ifs."  Here is what I know,  I am loved more than I can even comprehend.  People often say, "They are blessed."  However, I am more than blessed.  I am totally spoiled.  I have people and resources at my disposal.  They stretch at least 3 counties in West Virginia, not counting those across the country.  I have had my fair share of broken relationships, valued people, rejection, validation, in want, have plenty... Not too extreme toward one way or another.  I have experienced life and continue to do so.  Nothing on this earth is permanent.  What ifs are bound to happen.

I have watched people will and deal with the God of their understanding when the "What ifs" happen.  Is that what you are suppose to do?  Beg and plead?  I use to do that in my younger spiritual walk, because I was taught that the "What ifs" are and were punishments.  We as humans MUST blame someone or something for the "What ifs."  Of course they cannot just be happenings of life.  Sometimes, marriages end in divorce.  Sometimes, we lose loved ones.  Sometimes, we do not succeed.  Sometimes, my kid just isn't in the cool group or the star.  Sometimes, you do not get the job.  Sometimes, you do not win.  Sometimes, sickness happens.  Who's fault is it?  I don't know, but when you for sure find them and it... I too have some fingers to point.  My only answer to combat the "What ifs" is to focus on the "Right nows."  Consume my thoughts of things right in front of me.  It is the only solution that I have found to drown the "What ifs" out.

Owners and Renters

I want to try to take a minute to write.  It is 4:30 a.m.  No one woke me, but my own self.  Seems like I haven't really gotten to talk to anyone in awhile.  My daily schedule is work, pick-up boys, football, eat, and then repeat.  In that time, much of my day is putting out fires.  Whether it is at work, between the boys, or football.   I walked downstairs to four crockpots of food cooking, and yes it is on purpose.  It is football season.  It is what happens in this house.  I would venture to say I love football more than any other sport.  I love it more than the sports I am great at playing or even the one's I have coached.  Not sure why, but I do.  I watch game film in slow motion of all our teams more than once a week.  I have learned the game.  Never played, other than in my backyard growing up.  I love it so much that  it does not bother me to stay at the field for hours.  Today, is that day.  Youth Football home games.  Add pictures on-top of that, with a slice of drama no doubt.

I have a bone to pick.  Working with 175 families in a season has shown me people have this sense of entitlement.   That concept is so foreign to me.  Over the years, I have watched it get worse.  They take, push, fight because it seems they think they are owed something.  Out of the 175 families,  there is probably 1% of them that help, volunteer, and donate.  Usually, that 1% do all three.  Great example,  out of 175 participates we received 35 cases of drinks donated.  I am not harping though I hope to throw some guilt, but it is a great example of where we are in the world.  This past week I have been bombarded with calls from families stating, "If I do not get this then we won't..."  You can fill in the blanks.

I use to work for a woman that I still to this day believe, she is one of the smartest business minded humans beings  I have ever met.  She did not grow-up with the sense of entitlement.  I have watched her work a room in many different aspects as she plans to only increase her business.  She would calculate conversations and meetings.  She taught me a lot of things about life.  Still to this day I can call her and she would come if I needed her.  Some of her many statements I will never forget.

"You are always replaceable.  Someone in life will always want to be where you are now."

Then there was my favorite life lesson she tried to teach me.  She happened to call me into her office one day,  I am sure it was to scold me a little (typically, I needed it), but it ended in this lesson.  She looked at me from across her desk and said, "Chana, there are renters and owners in life.  You need to know the difference.  Renters are people who do not care if they mess things up, because it is not theirs.  They will leave dents and holes in walls.  They will pull up carpet.  There is no ownership in the messes they leave.  Do not be a renter in anything you do.  Be an owner in life value it all, claim it as yours, and surround yourself with others that do the same."

I talked to her yesterday on the phone.  I needed her for something simple and she showed up to help just with her words of saying, "Sure you can use what I have."  We do not speak like we once did or nearly as often as I would like, but as I hung up the phone I remembered the lesson.  It then made sense to my week.  It has been a week of dealing with 'RENTERS.'  I cannot expect them to act like Owners when they are not.  They want to rent and move on.  I have also learned if someone wants to move on, let them.  Maybe the next Renter really is an Owner, and the last Renter is just taking up space wreaking havoc for the future Owner to be.  Owners are the 1% of all groups and organizations stay close to them and instead of patching the holes the Renters, just kick them out.  New Renters will come, "You are always replaceable.  Someone in life will always want to be where you are now."

Beyond The Books

There are times when I sit down to write that my mind is such a mess, that it is hard for me to focus.  Who am I kidding? It is hard for me to focus anyway.  I was that child in school.  Day dreaming, my body being in a desk, but who knows where my mind was throughout class.  I have said it a thousand times, teachers molded my views of who I am more than anyone else.  They ranked right next to my parents.  Now as an adult, if you see me and think her parents must of... you need to put in there her teachers must of... whether good or bad they gave me views of the world around me and myself.  In this blog I might say things about teachers that could offend, though it is my passion, so beware.

It is that time of year where I hear, "Mom do you know who my teacher is, yet?"  My children struggle in school and always want to know who their teacher is for the year.  They have never been good readers because of learning disabilities. People think if a child has a learning disability it is a nice way to say, "They are not smart" or around here "They are a little slow."  That is not true.   They hate to read and it is hard for them.  It is not that they do not want to be better, but it so frustrates them that they do not want to deal with it.  Both of my boys have been misdiagnosed a time or two in their early school years.  Poor Landon was once told in 1st grade he needed to be held back as he excelled in every subject, but reading.  Upon further investigation, we decided to have him evaluated in reading and found out he was dyslexic.  After spending $500+ in evaluations, my first frustration was at the teacher.  Most people think teaching is about reading, math, science and social studies, but it really is not.  Yes, children get taught those things, and they need to learn those things, however that is not what makes a good teacher.  Good teachers go way beyond that. They mold you.  Hopefully in a good way.  My high frustration with Landon's 1st grade teacher was not because he struggled in reading,  it was she did not love or invest in him enough to know why he was struggling in reading, but at the end of the year wanted to hold him back because of it.  Luke over the years, same thing.   He has always been identified with a learning disability.  However, he is now entering middle school and out of all the years of elementary school there have been only 2 teachers that have impacted him.  Six years, 2 teachers.  Sad.

Out of 12 years as a student in public education, I can only name 4 teachers who really impacted my life and learning.  What that really means is about 70% of my learning experience in school was not memorable.  I do not remember the first book I read... however I do remember in 4th grade watching my teacher laugh and sing while sticking her middle finger up and her thumb out stating, "Look it is the state of WV," while we were learning about our state.  We all would giggle.  Her class loved her, because she wanted relationship with us.  We bought into fun as we learned.  She was nonconventional and we loved it.  She let us be us and she would applaud.  It did not matter what 'US' looked like as long as it was authentic.  We expected the same from her.  I could also go on and on about the other 3 teachers who I love and adore still to this day, but that is not the point.

My point is in this process and system of education there is much time wasted in creating real purpose.  Teachers feel as though they have such high demands that they often teach for the state test or whatever goal is being asked of them to pursue at the beginning of the year.  I see it as I sit in staff meetings when stress comes across a teacher's face when given more expectations when administration is talking about achievement.  Just this week I was talking to another teacher friend from another county who always has high state scores.  She brought up, "It is not hard to get good scores.  I teach from bell to bell.  That does not mean I am up there teaching, but my kids are learning.  I do not teach things for scores or test."  Honestly, I know her enough to know the key to her success... She builds relationships.  She creates a family.  Doesn't matter if little Susie's IQ is 65, she is family.

Teaching special education is a 'thankless' job.  It  can be very frustrating.  There is a lot of paperwork and high burnout rate.  Not only do I teach special education, but I teach at the bottom and most colleagues do not look at me as a teacher at all.  I teach Preschool Special Needs.  Which is federally mandated that public school systems must provide an educational environment for children with special needs starting at age three.  Guess who gets them? It is me.  Here is my goal this year, and hopefully every other year until I retire.  I am gonna love them and they are gonna be family.  I hope some will learn to speak, walk, eat, read or whatever their needs are, but for as long as I have them they will feel loved to be their authentic self.  My teacher friends invest in "beyond the books."  It will change your scores,  and your class atmosphere.  Hoping for everyone to have a great year, my foundational rock for this year will be me constantly telling myself... GO BEYOND THE BOOKS.

US and THEM

There are things in life I am not good at or with... I am not good at handling disappointment or hurt. Not sure if anyone is or not, but it is not my strong point.  I get stuck there at times to the point of anger and high frustrations.  I am also not good at standing my ground when I want to please others that I love.  I would rather you be pleased than do whatever I want, nevertheless feel as though each give is killing apart of me inside.  I muster through it for greater reasons like peace, and compromise.  Yet, when those things are not acknowledged the stickiness of the process begins this stir in me that I do not know how to handle.  There are times I want to hate because of hurt, but in a second glance feel so sorry for those that caused the hurt. Typically their lives are a pitiful mess that they themselves cannot see.

My greatest delight in thought is when I can place spiritual and secular/natural together.  Not church lingo or Christianese... but real connections of who I am holistically.  Or the understanding of who people really are holistically.  I was taught to stay away from the nasty in life.  The "Bad People" those that lie, cheat, and steal for whatever reason.  My biggest adult struggle is and was grasping that  God loves them just as much as he loves me.  Most might say, "Well Duh" to that thought.  What I am really saying is... living holy does not make God love me anymore than running a muck.  His stance never changes.  Living holy does not make me closer to God's love than it does if I cheat.  Isn't that the goal in Christianity to be closer to God?  However, the older I get I am understanding it is not my actions of what I am or not doing that draws me closer to God, but my transparency of the reality of me recognizing really who I am.

There is a minister named, Nadia Bolz-Weber, who also happens to be an author.  She now does little clips of thought on social media, but I first was approached by her thoughts through her book, "Accidental Saints, finding God in all the wrong people."  It is a great book that will change Christian goggles of who and what God is loving.  The dividing line that Christian puts in place typically of an 'US and Them.'  The longer I walk this life, I understand I am 'THEM' and 'US' is a made up thought never created by God, but by man.  That our journeys are not a one size fits all, and it is okay for it not to be.  Walking out your salvation is just that, your walk.  That thought gives a whole different stance of how we should view everything around us.

My thoughts this morning are circling.  Those that I say are pitiful messes that frustrate me, anger me, disappointment me, and hurt me...are exactly the same as this pitiful mess.  I am 'THEM.'  God loves them just as much as he loves me.  Secular society defines us by labels, but that is not how we are seen through the eyes of God. There is no dividing line.  We are all his and he loves all the same with the same measure.  I know that challenges theology in my little Bible belt.  I am okay with that.  I would rather me let God love me for my authentic self than to work up a self that is untrue.  I get so judgmental when I watch others think they are better than others, yet I do the same in other ways.  It might not be because of material things, but it happens with spiritual things, moral, and ethical ways. You know the core of people, which is the worse place to judge, because we are all so flawed.  We/I cast stones labeled from the labels given to us which reproduce this vicious cycle of destroying one's spirit.  How about that for Christian?  I guess my reality this morning is those that hurt and frustrate me are me... mirrored, and it is actually the cause of my hurt and frustration.  I am 'THEM.'  (OUCH!)

War Is Coming

It is 4:51 a.m.  This morning it wasn't Charlee that woke me, but Millie.  I have dogs for sell.   It is crazy how I cannot go back to sleep once these dogs decided how the morning should go on their terms.  My foul language must stay at a low roar, because Tandy will need to get up in an hour to go to work.  Once up, I Googled who the new Supreme Court Justice is going to be.  As I read his bio, and the reports of last night, my only thoughts that kept running through my head was "War is coming."  At some point in America the lines have been crossed that our beliefs should be others rights and vice versa.  That the rights of the people are interrupted by filters of a belief system instead of the Constitution. The hypocritical political agendas or just plan ole hypocrisy should not surprise me at this point, but it still does.

I know it might surprise some, but I probably identify more conservation than liberal. However, that is because of a belief system, not political views on the rights of others or myself. I am sorry, but it is very interesting that the Supreme Court does not make up "the people" of the United States. However, the new judge is a white male, which makes up 50% of the judges, and males make up over fifty percent. All have a religious affiliation. Ninety percent of the judges identify as Christian or Catholic. Yet in the Constitution in Article 1 it states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;" However, we have the majority of those interrupting the laws and rights of others being viewed using 90% Christian and Catholic goggles. But Chana do you not identified as Christian? Yes, however I hate the hypocrisy in Christianity. For the good people that only believe in the King James Version of the Bible, (I must laugh at that) Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel purposes are disappointed: but in the multitude of counselors they are established." I want to step out on a limb here and say 'Multitude of Counselors' does not mean people with the same opinion or belief as you. If my purpose is to move WE THE PEOPLE to have rights and uphold laws for WE THE PEOPLE then probably my counsel and counselors need to be made up of a MULTITUDE of WE THE PEOPLE, not majority Christian/Catholic males. Also as a disclosure, I want to apologize to my Catholic fellow Americans, because the dogmatic Christians are using you to gain a political foothold and always have. I wish you would or could wake-up from that. They now want you to help over turn Roe Vs Wade and abortion laws, by using your belief system. However, do not for one second think that they do not have their 16 year-old daughter on birth control, or their wives. Hypocrisy!! Others should have the right to have their own belief system. That is called Freedom.

War is coming. The divide will be the ancient tell of religion verses humanity. Jesus was put on the cross over this type of divide. War is coming where no stone will be left unturned. Those who think that they are on top of this will end up being on the bottom. There will be a rise of the people, because it is not the multitude giving counsel. The voices that we shut out with our belief systems dealing with race, gender, religion, and age discriminations, they will rise. War is coming. It will be as a Civil War crying out for Civil Rights and Liberties. Will we hold onto belief systems that divide and conquer or will we reach out a hand to understand difference? I am sure Sociologist are foaming at the mouth. It is ironic that the core, or who Christians say is the core of their belief system died for are the very ones their hypocrisy effects the most... Not the righteous, but the sinners, and those that think they are righteous missed the mark all together.

Batter Up

This five hour sleep thing is not the gig I like to have, but it seems it is my summer life.  Last night we did not get home until midnight.  I played softball for the first time in seven years.  I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  There was a time that I was an athlete.  Trained and skilled...ohh cocky.  It was my life.  Not just softball, any sport I was allowed to play.  I don't want to say I am washed up, but ggiirrrlll my legs do not move like they use to and having a chest the size of mine is not runner friendly. (Thanks to childbearing)  I had a youth pastor (female) once always tell me, "You just wait...Fat happens."  I never believed her and would pass it off, but guess what... "Fat Happens."  Competitive drive is my drug of choice.  I do not care if it is cards, tennis, washing dishes, getting from point A to point B,  puzzles, board games, kickball, well you get the picture... I want to win.  Be faster, smarter, better then the competition.  After saying all of that, I want to say to myself, "Idiot."  Because this morning my legs feel like jello, and I can't swear to it, but my shoulders feel as though I have been body building in my sleep.  Which brings me to wonder if I can fit into any of my t-shirts.  Once again I want to say to myself, "Idiot."

Now for the five hour sleep...guess who is the reason for that? CHARLEE!! (puppy) I will give some of the guilt this morning to my stomach.  I woke up starving.  I am sure it was because my body is not use to burning up that type of energy.  The woman that batted before me was fast and in her day was an athlete and still is involved in sports like me. However, she would challenge the other team in the field and would run... every time we were on base together... I thought to myself, "Shit. Here we go...run...run..."  Don't get me wrong that is exactly how you are suppose to be, but for me I was just getting back in the swing of things.  I loved every minute of it.  I was getting my fix.  Not sure how long it will last, but I know like an addict I will begin to want more.  That is why everyone in life needs a Tandy.  One that will say, "Now Chana Dawn.  Shit Fire Chana Dawn."  Yet be your biggest cheerleader.

I will tell you what was pretty awesome about last night.  My boys.  I preach and coach the boys about techniques with sports all the time.  I know techniques, and after I got warmed up they got to see mom swing to the fence.  After seeing it, they were so hopeful I would hit a homer, however just a couple hit the fence.  They ran out to centerfield hoping to catch my ball.  Last time I played they were maybe 3 and 2 years-old.  I would sit them in the dugout and tell them to stay there while I was in the field.  They would sit in the mud and dirt with their matchbox cars, happily playing in the mud.  It is crazy how fast they have grown and things have changed.  Plus for me, fat happened so quickly, and Tandy Dixon's cooking doesn't help.

I got my fix, but it has left me hungering for more.  We won, which makes it worse. Maybe not today, because my legs are like jello and shoulders are bulging, but soon.  It will grow until I get another fix.  So no one be surprised when you hear from the top of our hill, "Now Shit Fire Chana Dawn."

Placement

This morning I despise dogs.  It is not all dogs, however it is our dogs.  Tandy has been leaving early for work and it seems they all believe we need to go with her.  This morning by 6:30,  I heard the kitchen door close and then romper room in the bedroom.  Charlee, the pup, seems to think it is the best thing to roll Millie, the middle age English Bulldog.  It does not happen just once, but it is continual and then they start to get mouthy at each other.  It is typical sibling behavior.  Then there is poor Bella, 100 lbs Golden Lab,  who deserves as much peace as possible just because she is old and should get it out of respect. But Charlee is not having that either, as she will tug at her collar.  Once we are at that point I must get up, because Bella does not deserve the play nor can her old body take it.  There was a time Bella would have put her in her place, but not now.  Since Bella's best friend died, Gabby, she has never been the same.  We were hoping Charlee would perk her up a little, but it seems she is just a nuisance to her.  Bella has mothered every other animal we have ever had, and with Gabby she was her protector for her end of life.

I am probably just weeks away from making a decision about Bella.  I do not want her to suffer.  It is hard for her to walk.  I can tell she is starting to get confused and it's hard for her to focus her sight.    We have to water her food down for her to now eat it, and we do not have enough rugs on the tile floors for her not to slip to stand.  Could I give her pills to prolong it all? Probably.  Should I? I do not think so.  There is no doubt that she loves her family.  She worries about her boys when they go off to play.  Greets us with a smile and a wagging tail if she hears our voices call her name.  Is it all the time? No.  We are at the point of change from who she was to now who she must be.

Age does that I think.  It puts us in our place in the world.  If I was still in what I "was" my place would look a whole lot different.  Honestly, it could have gone many avenues of extreme.  There was a time in my young life that I could have chosen a life of drugs and petty crime.  Not sure what changed that path, other than strategic placement of people in my life, teachers, coaches, bosses... During that time my parents were their own messes and I was sliding around just trying not to get caught.  My dad now thanks me that was not the extreme to be my place.  Then there was a an extreme of holy-roller.  My vision was to be a missionary and marry an African man somewhere on a mission field in Africa.  That too was diverted in my 20s as I struggled internally.  I now thank myself that was not my place,  because I would have missed exactly where I am.  I do not regret all the "was" because it makes me cherish where I am.  The "was" made me keep searching for something, but the now makes me full.  I found my place.

My place now just wants to be kind to others, give what I have to give, and live in peace.  Seems simple enough.  However, at 6:30 in the morning, with these dogs there is not much peace, and I do not want to be kind.  Until I see Bella, which makes me understand placement is important.  We can change another's life as they too transition from "was" to who they must be, however if only I am in the right place.

Church Code

This morning I woke up and wanted to see what is going on in the world, and the first source I go to... Facebook.  I am not sure why we justify thinking it is an information source, however one of my friends made the comment... "If you don't hear in church today that the policy of 'Family Separation' is incompatible with Christianity find another church."  All to which began my search on different church pages.  It is funny how most are the same.  We believe.... Our Pastor... Service times... all wrapped up in a different box trying to sell the same thing, but in turn gets us what? Your money? You? Your family?  Gives you community?  I hate to sound so cynical of 'church' lately, but it is just the place I am.  Wrapping my mind around these displays of hate all the while the "CHURCH" sits back and calls it love.  Those that fight the smoke and mirrors within Christianity will most likely be cast as 'not saved.'  Which once again, thought provoking.

As I scanned it was interesting that NOT one page of a church stated, "We care about the lives of humans and humanity.  We care that people are loved no matter their history, present, or future."  Now, you get a little close when you see 'All are Welcome' or 'We are open and affirming.'  However, that just means SHHHH!!  Gays attend THAT church or can.  I have to laugh because, it is all Christian Church Code.  What I have found those churches depth are very shallow within the area in which I live, yet are excepting.  They do not want to offend so the word they give does not have roots.  On the other side, churches in the area go so far as to lock the doors if someone is different in any form.  Scared they might catch something, like poor, gay, black, white, or even worse everything they have ever been taught challenged, because they just might love another.

I try not to challenge my local friends too much in making them decided or make lines with or about my family.  We just try to be us.  We are loved, asked to be included in the things we are involved in, but I know we are not welcomed in churches.  However, most do not agree in the whys or at least I believe they don't.  I love to talk Jesus, but find myself just getting to listen about Jesus, because most think I am not worthy to talk about him.  Or what in the world would I actually know about him.  I can tell you I can relate to almost every character of the Bible.  The woman with the 'issue of blood' pushing through to touch just the hem of his garment.  Knowing she couldn't be close to him, because she was unclean.  The Pharisees' as they wanted to stone a woman in judgement, then realize "Who am I to judge?" Once Jesus brought it to their attention.  Peter walking on water.  Starts out believing then losing sight of Jesus, so he falls.  Moses running from his call. (Too much there.)  I could go on and on.

The political climate does not help in any form of this divide...it is hard to cipher out who is safe and who is not, yet then the Church wonders why we are not growing or are not sustaining.  People are starting to wake-up and see this display is not love and frankly does not want it to represent them.  Are there any answers? Probably not.  Can we fix it?  I am not sure.  Where is Jesus?  Same place I left him. On the throne.  So... I wait. I trust. I pray.

Game of Hearts

A couple of weeks ago I posted on my Facebook page, "Sometimes, it is not easy to do the right thing...Do you play by the rules or do you play by the hearts?  Sometimes, those things conflict.  I would venture to say hearts always should come first. Even Jesus broke the rules for hearts." I made that statement after there was some local conflict in the community over a Little League championship baseball game.  Over and over this lesson has been a challenge for me.  The lesson of "Hearts."  Once again this is not an always rule, which makes it even more difficult to learn.  When do you apply it? When do you not?  Misusing or misunderstanding it could lead to people running you over, or others not following rules at all and expecting you to cave.  Or there are those times you will run over hearts at the expense to get what you want... for the sake of competition.  I see it time and time again.  We put in the best players to win youth league games instead of letting everyone play.  We pick all-stars based off of who the parents are or what they contribute instead of the child's ability.  Hopefully, as children get older that stops some...However, some is the operative word.  I once heard a High School football coach talk about removing a player out of a position.  It was not the best fit for the team, but they were worried about the backlash because the parents were very much part of the school system.   That is why I like being President of the Youth Football League.  There are no all-stars.  Once again we are the ones that typically mess it up for our children.

Back to "Hearts"... I am at this place in life where I hate fluffy bullshit.  Give me real.  Give me real people around me.  Be honest about the place you are in life.  Do not play me. Do not try to con me.  Do not lie to me.  Just be real.  I am not at the place where it is ok for Christians to play church. People to hide their nastiness behind organized religion, or people think goodness comes from donating money yet their character displays they are a thief.  There are very few pure people in the world.  You know those that mess up  and own it, or try to make it right. Certainly, those do not hide it or run from it.  Facing it is a scary thing but being real is a very freeing thing in life.  I talk of Jesus not because of organized religion, but my faith is very real to me and I am very real to it.  But the "Church" in the packages that it gives has failed me, and mostly everyone else.  It was once said to me, "We would have to teach Jesus church."  Think about that.  Kind of turns my stomach really.   I love being around those raw people.  People who display who they are the moment they speak a word.  Whether it be crass language or articulate sensitive speech, I love the realness.  Over my journey in and with organized religion, I have been kicked out of Bible school for being real, asked to not speak because I was real,  asked to not sing because I was real, asked to not love because I was real,  asked to hide the truth because I was real,  asked to not be in leadership because I was honest, and turn a blind-eye to leaders that steal, lie, manipulate, threaten, all the while organized religion protects it.  All Denominates hide it, and then put the stamp of In the Name of Jesus all over it.  Two scriptures come to mind Hosea 6:6 and Matthew 9:13.   "For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offering." In Matthew Jesus says, " Go and learn what this means, 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have come to call not the righteous but sinners."  How many hearts have been sacrificed instead of shown mercy?  How many hearts have been sacrificed for a win?  How many hearts have been sacrificed in the essence of laws, rules, lies, and manipulations?

I am left daily with the making decisions of how many hearts will this cost.  But learning when you spare hearts you can never go wrong, because mercy will find you.

The Beeps and Rain

It is a lovely rainy morning.  Rain is lovely?  It is lovely when you don't want to go anywhere, yet expectations of sunny weather means you will be at a field somewhere all day.  So today, yes it is lovely, it is almost a heavenly sound to me as all the windows are up in the house.  This week we realized how unbridled the spirit of our pup, Charlee, actually is and was when we began to chase her all over our hill. I know that does not seem like much, but it is when the hill is at about a 75 degree to 80 degree angle, it is more than enough.  She looks like an Australian Shepherd plus with her darting movements, but is starting to be larger because she is mixed with Great Pyrenees.  The closer we would get to her the more she would dart.  Needless to say, at the end of our venture my temper was high.  I was as strong as any weightlifter when I picked her up and put her in her crate in the house.  Pissed is an understatement.  So mad that I went out and bought a trainer to the tune of 300 dollars.  There are really only a couple things in life that I hate.  I mean absolutely hate.

Number one, I hate to be spat on.  Being a special education teacher, over the course of 13 years, it has happened a handful of times as behaviors escalate in situations with students.  Once it does towards me, tag me out, because it is my breaking point.  I need to leave the room or I will lose my cool.  It makes me furious.  Number two, I hate to run long distance and for any amount of time.  If you see me running like that you better run too, because something is majorly wrong. I will do quick movements and running, but to run for the fun of it... Now that's crazy talk.  You can thank my hatred for running to Coach Lonnie Lucas as we would run up and down 5th Avenue to basketball practice and then run till we puked inside Veteran's Memorial Gym.  Hated it.

Charlee has smart breeds of dogs in her.  She is a fast learner and thank goodness for her.  In less than 24 hours, she knows if she hears a beep and does not stop her behavior then vibration is next and she does not like that. The beep brings her straight to me.  We humans need beeps.  Now do not get all crazy like we are hurting the dog, because we are not.  We are training her to bridle her behavior.  I have been thinking lately about all the beeps I have ignored over the years.  I walked right on through the beeps, to vibration, then to shock until I get immune to the pain and keep on walking.  All the while beeps, vibration and shocking are all happening at the same time.  Even everyone else can hear it as I walk by, but nnooo... I would put on a smile and say, "I am all good."  However, the whole situations would happen just because I did not listen to the beeps.

When I was younger it was things like... skipping school, beeps, then while skipping school got into a car wreck...beep, beep, vibration.  Sneaking a boy friend over while my parents are not home, beeps, then we get a little too intimate, beep, beep, vibration, then I got caught by my sister.  (Who by the way, thought it was hilarious.  As I was having a heart attack, and thinking someone will die over this; While I thought it was my dad coming through the front door.)  As an adult, it looks like relationships that I had no business being involved with or in.  It was going through ministry processes that I should not have completed. Going to Mt. Zion to run from myself only to find it in the midst of a marriage, that also I should not have had... all beeps, and vibration then wonder why am I getting shocked.  I affectionately say often, "Idiot" as I am now to myself.

It is said that we are a smart species.  Highly intelligent they say.  The longer I am on earth  the more I see how stupid we really are.  I mean here I am college educated, seemly together and still there are times I walk through the beeps.  Charlee has gotten it in 24 hours, I am soon to be going on 40 years. However today,  there is hope.  The rain will keep me.  I must enjoy the rain in my life.  The sound is actually almost heavenly.

Priceless

I am going to take time reflect on something in my own life that I have loved.  It was instilled in me as a very young child.  I do not ever remember a time it was not in my life, but yesterday something changed.  Some form of ill feelings came over me, and thoughts of how ridiculous it is that now as an adult the very thing I have had all my life, and love for, adults have ruined.  Brace yourself, hold your breath because I am going to call out BS.  This is not directed at a specific person, but I realized yesterday as  I was walking around a baseball field that we adults have screwed up Youth Sports.  Ohhh Chana, sure you want to do this? Yep, I am.  I began to think about all the rules we have on fields, and courts.  Some are for safety, fairness, but then there has to be rules for the adults.  Why rules for adults?  It seems like we cannot do the right things for young athletes or children on our own.  Isn't that sad?  Makes me sick really, as I am a huge advocate for children, let alone children in youth sports.

Let me break it down this way.  Youth Basketball we must create rules that each player must play 2 quarters, or you must create a rotation for everyone to get in to play. Youth Soccer has rotation rules.  Adults will try every way to figure how to keep your best players in to win.  Please do not think I am just pointing the finger at others, because I have been there doing the same thing.  We want to win more than build up a child.  Does that make you sick to your stomach?  That we would do that to a child.  In baseball you only have to have 2 innings in the field, and 1 at bat, there are 6 innings in a game in little league baseball.  So if a kid struggles with confidence while in the batter's box let's give them 1 at bat, because that will help the kid.  Nope we do it, because we want to win more than build that confidence or teach them.  Right? Sick yet?

For the past 2 years I have been president of the local youth football league.  Every year I have to say,  "You have 11 players on the field and at least 15 on a team.  Find a place for each kid to play."  And every year I hear, "There are no rules in youth football that we must play all our players and for a certain amount of time.  There are kids that could get hurt if we play them."  Parents signed their kids up to play tackle football they know they could get hurt.  Cultivate their abilities. Teach them. Train them. Do not dismiss them.

If you think 2 or 3 players with good athletic ability should carry a team, then get out of youth sports. You are in it for the wrong reasons.  We have monopolized our children.  When is it enough?  How does it improve the develop of little human beings or are we past that?  Because we want to win, fit in with the cool group of adults, or participate so my kid can get all the playing time.  This past week, I watched players with better abilities run over players with less abilities to dominate order of who gets to bat first in batting cages.  I watched as kids got in each others faces and somewhat push their weight around to dominate a situation, but isn't that what youth sports are teaching our kids?  It seems that we adults have set that standard.  That's how you should win, right?  That's the point, right?

I am not a participation trophy person.  I believe you should strive to win.  Be in the championship.  However, at what cost?  I have heard long time coaches/adults look at a group of children and tell them they are not good enough to coach them, but then decide to coach when that 1 kid signs up.  The team then is worth it.  As they broke 15 other kid's hearts because of their actions.  I have watched adults wait to sign their own children up to see what other children will be playing a sport before making a decision, because it is about the win.  Same with commitment with coaches.

I do not know a fix, and I am actively part of the problem.  It saddens me. I am tired of making excuses for it.  I want to say I am sorry to our youth, because this week I realized we have failed you. We are the problem.  Adults are the problem.  We care more about our special interest than we do you.  We utilize your abilities to get what we want to fill up our egos or needs.  Kids I am trying to change.  I am trying to change a culture in our local area, to help not only your athletic ability, but you as a person to be a successful adult.  I do not want you to be like us.  Be better than us.  Do not play the adult games at the expense of a child's heart.  Simply it is not worth the cost.

Still the Student

We live in a world where at the click of a button thousands can know your thoughts, life status, mood, relationships to others etc.  It truly is amazing the technology we have these days.  I find it hard when you are a born teacher to not teach.  I know that sounds like an oxymoron.  Teachers are suppose to teach, right?  Not always.  Sometimes the best teaching comes from silence, or the teacher look.  Never saying a word.  It is the hardest thing to master if you are a teacher, silence.

I find myself struggling sometimes that when I have a lesson that is suppose to be taught to go out and find students.  I have been wrestling with that all week.  "Invite people to hear the lesson," the little small voice in my head says.  There is a strong matriarch teacher in my life that pops in and out when needed.  She is never too far, and never too close.  She has continually said to me, and I am sure to others, "When the students are ready, the teacher will come."  I believe she was taught that from her strong matriarch teacher in her life, if I am remembering the story correctly.

I am probably going to debunk religious teachings in this blog, and make literal thinkers of scripture gasp.  As a disclosure,  the foundations of all my thinking goes back to a religious stand point.  Now, I wade through the muck of man's interruption to God's intent.  As a child I grew up with heavily influenced baptist doctrine.  There was a lot of black and white in thinking, not much room for gray.  However, grace was a word thrown around like a golden ticket, yet you do not want to use it.  I can remember going door to door with tracks of "The ABC's to salvation" or "The Roman's Road to Salvation."  The whole focus was to get the GOOD NEWS out and invite people to church.  Then if people would come, religion would tell them how wrong they are;  How they should change, what to look like, dress like, be like, because of this GRACE then Jesus would love you, and you could be saved. "NOW DO YOU BELIEVE?" Some man would ask, maybe a woman depending on what gender you were, because a woman could not minister or teach a man.  However, men could teach a woman.  I must laugh at those methods, now.  Spread the GOOD NEWS, was the focal point.  I still hear it in churches.  It is funny how some think that is still what they are doing spreading the GOOD NEWS maybe as churches grow, while others are dying, or pews are being filled.  I am not convinced.  If you dissect the scripture in the gospel of Mark it would state, "Go publicly and say a good message to the world."  I could be wrong, but what to be and not to be is not a good message.  Seems to me that is called judgement and control.

On further note I do not ever recall Jesus ever needing slogans, mission statements, by-laws, constitutions, gimmicks, or activities to teach the Good News.  It seemed the students were always waiting on him to show up.  Crowds where there as he walked by, or maybe he just walked into the crowds already formed.  I could be wrong, but I do not ever remember Jesus saying, "Now listen, once we get off this boat make sure there is a crowd. Let's shoot for 5,000.  I have a great event planned with some fishes and loaves."  If we embody Christ, then we also do not need an event, activity, or catchy jingle.  The crowds will gather, but sometimes the students need some intimate time with the teacher if the crowds are small.

Back to my original struggle,  just showing up to teach.  When you know you have a great lesson you want everyone to hear it.  'Gather the people,' you think.  Then you show up to teach, and you have a great history lesson, but those YOU gathered need to learn geometry.  All because you wanted a crowd.  Your justification then resorts to, "Am I not suppose to proclaim the Good News?"  I am gonna say, "No."  No, I am not suppose to proclaim the good news by gathering the crowds.  I am suppose to be evidence of the Good News.  I need to seek no crowds, because I am just suppose to walk in the midst of them.  No matter the crowd size, when I am given a lesson the students will be ready, because I am just called to teach.

Surviving Wilderness

This morning Tandy is on a cleaning jag, and all I want to do is stay in my PJs and read.  I will pay for that mindset later at some point.  Maybe today or maybe tomorrow, but it surely is in the near future.  This week has seemly been emotionally hard as I have had to adjust my thinking to my past, future, and encounters of others around me.  I find that there are many parts of my life that I just "overlook."  In my overlooking, I realize that there are emotional connections that I have not completely dealt with.  Make no mistake, when we do this they will arise or show up at some point to be dealt with again.  And the pain that comes with it will call into question; Why did I not deal with this the first go around?  When you begin that circle of thinking, it starts a vortex of emotions.  The what ifs, the why nots, the I wishes, and the if onlys.  In the spiritual and Christianese world we call it the Wilderness experience.  Where all temptations happen to get us to go back. 

My friends have been leading a Bible study in their home,  because they have found many Christians are walking in that atmosphere as they too are doing the same.  It is not like they know the way out or pointing to others as justifying dictatorship as I know the only and right way, but it is more of come walk with me, because I am right there too.  Last night they handed me two books that they are beginning to study in their group.  How timely they speak of Wilderness experiences.  This week I am realizing we have many wildernesses in our lives.  We try to clump them all together as one and as we do that, we overlook the importance of the experience itself.  Resulting in the uprise of the overlook that WILL happen down the road.  We also typically focus on the atmosphere of the Wilderness itself and lose sight that the focus should be on the getting out.  There have been times that I like the scenery in the Wilderness and have stayed in that place longer than I ever should have.  It usually comes by depression and napping with me.  Let me just lay here for awhile. Shut down and shut everyone and everything out.  There is no searching in this place, mercy in this place,  forgiveness in this place, but there is lots of anger, hopelessness, justification, and ego.  The statements of "I do not need them, I do need this, or I can do this on my own" come to mind.  

I am learning the Wilderness is meant to break you.  Break you not in the sense of into pieces, though it can feel like that at times, but break you WIDE OPEN.  It is the only way to get out, to be broken wide open.  Some of us chose to stay in the anger, hopelessness, justification, with our egos and go on living in the Wilderness.  We encounter those in our daily lives. People who are bitter by life events and situations.  People who justify their behavior because of the behavior of others.  We all have done it, but it is our choice whether we continue to stay there.  There is a statement in one of the books that rings true if applied to any Wilderness situation,  "...weeping  for pain and weeping for joy, because the two are often linked more closely than we can imagine."  It continues with the thought of suffering leads to the saving.  The only way out is brokenness to the point of WIDE OPEN.  Define it however you want. Christianese calls it, "Worship or crying out."  Those outside of that thought call it, "Honesty with self and transparency about weakness."  No matter the definition, WIDE OPEN is the path out. 

  

The Other Side

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the other side.  At first, I wonder if the other side thinks about me.  Probably not. But it does not stop me from trying to understand the other side.  Who is the other side you might wonder?  We all have them.  Those people we have ideas about or those people that we have encountered at some point, yet no longer encounter ever... The other side...  Severance with groups of people have always disturbed me. They come with relationship breaks, fights, deaths, and even births.  They come with differencing views on civil rights, politics, theologies, morals, and ethics.  The other side.  One might argue life changes, people change and I can agree, but it seems our views of self inflicted ME FIRST mentality usually is the root cause of the creation of The Other Side.  We try to fit people in our box of thought, actions, and beliefs then yet cannot see just the simple pure value of the life on the other side.  Sad really how shallow we can be.  We hold grudges to the grave, never trying to mend. All the while, we wave banners of Christian, Good People as we taunt the other side with the ME FIRST mentality.

Today, I began to read about a man that was homeless, full of poverty in all aspects of his life.  He depended on hand outs for income.  When he was hungry he would eat raw foods.  He was ridiculed mostly by those that seemly had it all together.  Those driven by the ME FIRST mentality.  Some people thought he had mental health issues and believed he was a lunatic.  The end of his life was very tragic.  Basically, he was accused of a crime he never committed.  Witnesses were hired to lie to say, "He did it."  The jury was rigged. He had a dirty judge that needed some political gain.  In the end he was handed the death penalty.  What would have happened if people got to know the other side...Would his life ended the way it did? What if the other side had love to give?  Wisdom to give in-spite of his different quirky ways.  What if.... what if.... what if.... My new purpose to engage and know the other side, whatever that may be, and to respect the life that is there.

The apostle Paul wrote in Philippians, "I want to know Christ and the power that raised him from the dead."  Most of us like to refer to the other side as, 'dead to us.'  What if, what was dead to us was raised?  What would it take? Power? What is this power that Paul speaks of... my only conclusion can be love.  Love that reaches to the other side.  Paul goes onto say, "...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.  Guess its not about me after all.  It is love straining to reach forward the other side of what lies ahead.

The homeless man that I read about today, did that.  Actually, that was the root reason they killed him.  He reached into the other side and changed the world as we know it.  He changed our culture, society, and belief system.  Whether we believe or not the story of him he changed the world.  It happened by loving the other side.  No matter your thoughts of real events, or faith based beliefs Jesus has made his name known.  A homeless man, who borrowed beds, mostly slept on dirt, who never thought of himself, yet valued the other side.  Even when they did not think about him, Jesus changed/and made history...in its simplest form...all for the other side.

#55strong

It has been awhile since I have blogged, but I can assure you that I have tried.  I have typed out two or three blogs then would just delete them.  The reason being, there has been so much to process in my head that there could not be just one focal point to communicate an actual point.  It has been and currently is like that huge ball of string all knotted up or the slinky that is tangled up.  You know when you see those things coming, you take a deep breath and think to yourself, "Not again," and then say, "I can figure this out."  That is where I am.  However, in actuality I am enslaved to the system. The systematic processes of the untangling.

I am involved in a movement of justice for the people, that actually I did not ask for, yet desperately need.  It is one of those times in life you do not realize how hungry you are until you smell food, or you do not see how poor you are until someone outside your poverty befriends you.   The history of that fight in this part of the country at least dates back to the Civil War.  West Virginians, the mountain people, never knowing how much we look like a third-world country.  Do not get me wrong, I love my home state.  Even while I type I have a WV sweatshirt on, now do not get it confused with a WVU sweatshirt, because I live in Herd Country, which could make some around me go into convulsions.  Yet, I am proud I am Alumni of Marshall University.  It was the school in West Virginia that use to be deemed 'the teacher school' back in the day when compared to West Virginia University.  However, I can whisper and say, "I like WVU sports"....sigh, I know.  In Huntington, WV that is blaspheme.

Lately, WV has made national and international news dealing with a Teacher Strike.  It is an awful place to be in terms of security.  Will I get paid?  How long is this going to last?  I have already paid for a beach vacation.  Fact is we are ranked 48th or 49th in teacher pay, depending on your sources.  I have a Master's Degree and I do not make a decent wage.  The cost of living has surpassed my wage and that is the cost of living in WV, which you know is not high according to any other parts of the country.  The cost of living has raised 4.9% and teachers are asking for 5% raise, which only continually puts us at the bottom of the barrel.  Are there times I have worried about feeding my children? Yes.  Have there been times that I worry about paying my bills? Yes.  Though those are my worries, I do realize there are others that have it worse off than me.  My thoughts do not take away their own poverty, but I have mine too.  I pay for the beach trips by my income taxes and go to the cheapest beach in America, which ALL West Virginians go to...Myrtle Beach, SC.  I use my taxes to pay off bills that I have gotten behind on throughout the year, because my wage isn't enough.  But what about your spouse?  Doesn't she make good money?  Ummm, no! She works for a program funded by the State.  She has two Master's Degrees and has been in  her job 25+ years and makes the same as I do.  In the real world our salaries together would equal one salary outside of the Mountain State, which still would be considered a low wage.  There have been times we go shop at Goodwill not because we want a cheap bargain, but I have growing boys and search for good clothes there.  We have a Goodwill located in Barboursville (outside of Huntington), richer people live there.  I can typically find name brands there.  When things get really tight I go through the boys clothes or things even we do not use anymore and sell them.  I do not say these things for pity.  I say them for reality.  Other states I could have public assistance.  Actually, I did.  When I first got divorced from my Ex-husband I moved across the river to Kentucky, and my college degree wage from WV got me on the system.  I had a food stamp card and the boys had a medical card.

My story is not uncommon.  I have never asked for hand-outs or even for money.  Actually there was this one time I asked my mother for money, and my sister, because I needed more money for a down payment for a car.  It was my first ever car to own by myself, and I had no credit.  You know how I paid them back...Student loan money.  However other than that, never.  Teachers have made their demands in this strike, 5% raise or we do not go back, and fix our insurance.  The insurance is on track for solutions, but the 5% has not happened for a multiple of idiotic and political gaming reasons.  Therefore on Monday I still do not get to return to my classroom.  The place where I am called to be and the place that reminds me why I even take a low wage.  Children.  The poverty of learning, or the poverty of the development of children.  My whole make-up, my happy place is always around children.

Teachers are survivors in the State of West Virginia, nothing has ever been handed to any of us.  We work hard to teach those same skills.  The true teacher drive will outlast anyone.  How do I know this?  I know it because we are the type of people that get a cussing in one breath by a 10 year old and then make sure they are fed by lunch time.  We move sometimes 20+ students along heading to a common goal everyday as we move them in UNIITY, no matter their development levels.  All eyes are on us to see our next move.  We will win this!  Once again I know this, because we have been taught to fight through.  Figure it out.  Find ways.  This game that is being played with our lives and the lives of our students is not anything new for us.  This is our daily job, as we barely have educational resources, like paper for our students (paper for teachers is gold currency).   Our slogan that is our driving force to continue is #55strong.  We will stay 55 counties strong in this, because we were 55 counties strong before this...Now everyone else in this country is hearing the screams and groaning of labor pains of this Mountain Momma... Take US home country roads...to the place where we belong.

"The Tie That Binds"

When I was growing-up I had the opportunity to go to many concerts, and youth rally events.  There is nothing like an arena or standing in the US Capital Mall with thousands of others, as you hear rumbling in the atmosphere.  You know, when you walk in an area, and the stirring gives you goose-bumps... I use to say that was the Holy Spirit because most of the events I went to were Christian based.  Now I am not saying God didn't have something to do with it, because there was always anticipation of the Lord's presence.  However, there have been other times in my life that I have felt that same thing aside from a Christian based event.  Like when the warm-up songs come on before a basketball game, or volleyball game I was about to play.  Sometimes, it now even happens right before I coach.  Or how about when I walk into Marshall University Football Stadium through the tunnel to find my seat and hear AC/DC Thunderstruck.  Is it the Holy Spirit?  Probably not.  Now once again I know God is always with me, and he tries to talk to me continually through this hard head, and sometimes hard heart of mine, but my view on spiritualism has come from Bapti-costal influences (the mix of baptist and pentecostal). Bapti-costal is not a word, or thing but more of my personal theology of how I view and wade through the mudding waters of "Christian."  The Bapti-side of me was foundational as a child, which would be more logical thoughts of christianity.  The Costal-side of me is more charismatic which in tells the only answer must be God to every question.  In the south,  my best fit in a church ideally would be a predominately African American Baptist...this white girl would be right at home in that atmosphere.

Yesterday, I got that same feeling...goose-bumps, full of anticipation,  and I heard rumbling in the atmosphere.  It is really a powerful thing.  When I walked through the door of the WV capital, chants echoed the halls.  As we walked through the maze of hallways the sound kept getting louder and louder. Once we hit the rotunda, a sea of people were there with signs, singing, and chanting.  Even when the group moved through the Capital a new set of goose-bumps would appear.  We were there for a purpose.  A common goal, and vision.  A cry for change.  After most of the demonstration, I walked back to my truck in rain by myself.  I noticed the overwhelming calm and quiet that was over me.  You would have never known that 5 minutes before I walked out, because the atmosphere inside never changed.

On my walk back I began wondering and consciously asking, "Why do the goose-bumps happen, and all the feelings that go with it?"  My mind went back to major events and times that it had happened when I claimed it was the Holy Spirit.  What was similar? What was different?  My revelation came as I sat dripping with water, UNITY.  An atmosphere full of UNITY creates those physical and emotional reactions.   I could easily be a junky to the adrenalin of Unity.  There is a scripture that confirms this very thing... In Ecclesiastes there is a scripture about a cord of three.  The scripture says, "Though one can be over thrown, two can defend themselves but three strands are not easily broken."  What if the strands are hundreds?  Thousands? Millions?  How powerful would the cord be?

What if there was a cord against gun violence? Unfair wages? Unjust actions toward another because the color of their skin?  Or simply a cord on a basketball court?  Could it be broken?  Guess it would depend on how tight the bind of the cord is... does it seem like one cord or is it frayed.  Unity is so simple, yet so big.  It can be applied anywhere to create change, or win a battle.  It is the secret weapon that can destroy any mass.

"Teacher, Teacher"

Recently in West Virginia, there is an uprising happening with Public Employees over insurance.  Teachers are part of that group, which makes me part of that group.  I find myself glued to Facebook pictures and comments on the direction and thought processes of my colleagues, as I sort out my own dilemmas.  Throughout the last week, I have learned WV teachers are 48th in pay as measured to other teachers in this country.  That some feel we do nothing, with seemly short working days, holidays off, and seasonal breaks.  That our insurance is not only starting to cost us more, but also starting to infringe on our rights.  That we are in the cross-hairs of strikes, walk-outs, walk-ins, and threats from the powers that be.  People are being asked moral and ethical questions that effect their livelihood, which gives more ethical and moral dilemmas.

West Virginia regions are vastly different from coal fields to the northern panhandle.  One of my historian teacher friends went live on Facebook and talked about why he teaches.  Challenging teachers to do the same.  Interesting concept of unity.  I will say there is some truth to the Nay-sayers.  There are those people in the profession of teaching that do come into it, because of yearly calendar.  I will also tell you that they typically do not last.  The realization of what your schedule says on paper is not accurate.  They soon realize the scheduled time, and the money do not match up.  Outside of work hours, I have multiple parents contacting me about work related things about their children.  I work with special needs children, which heightens the concerns for most parents.  Four days out of five in my work week, I cannot leave my classroom to have lunch nor get a break throughout the day. As it is too risky for me to leave for some of my children's medical needs.  If I go to the bathroom I must take my phone, just in case there might be an emergency, and my aides need me in the ten minutes that I am gone.  Almost everyday, I give a student clothes, more food, or some form of emotional support.  Most parents cannot tolerate their own children for more than one day, and teachers sign up to take on 20+ in most cases.  There are days you cry, laugh, and cry and laugh all at the same time.  We are watching our students lose parents and family members to the drug epidemic.  So now we also are grief counselors, and not just educators.  We grieve because it is not uncommon to lose two or three children in your classroom to Child Protective Service (CPS), or that you gain two or three children because of CPS.

I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to teach in West Virginia.  No money.  Not much growth.  I have a master's degree, and I make $20,000 less than the national average of those with master's degrees.  So why do it?  Why teach?  Why West Virginia?  If you are a real teacher, then it is no longer a profession, but a passion.  You know that there are those that need you.  They do not need you  just because you are teaching reading, and math, or any other subject. Learning is so much more than that.  We spend more time with your children than you do.  We are teaching social skills, ethics, coping skills, and for some just how to survive.  I teach in WV, because I want to give back what has been given.  That does not mean it is not hard.  That does not mean I have a spouse who supports my family financially, since I teach.  Even in the hardness I stay, because it matters to me.  It matters to my community, and it matters to this world.  Public Employees are not asking for much considering what is really handed out across the state.  We are the glue that keeps all underfunded programs and services working.  I fear what is coming next.  I fear for my own children.  I fear for my family.  I fear for this state.

Next week when I hear, "Teacher, Teacher " the cost will seem different.

"Put Me In Coach"

I woke up this morning after a three day stretch of middle school girl's basketball games, thinking to myself; What constitutes a win?  All our games ended with a win for us, I might add.  However, is a win just measured by score? Being number one?  Most points made?  Making my question more complicated is a win the same as success?

Every time I coach no matter the age of the athlete you deal with the same issues. Maybe different intensity, but same root issues.  Parents who think their child is the best: Why are they not playing more?  Why are they not getting the ball more, running the ball more, pitching the ball more?  My favorite is, you are a terrible coach, statements from parents.  Then you play teams that are totally gunning for you.  You walk in their gym or on their field, and the whole community just wants to hate you, because of a win from two years ago.  (Me even typing that, it makes me laugh at how ridiculous that is.) Yet, they also make sure they find the ref or umpire that hates you just as much to bend calls.  Finally then, you have to deal with players.  Players that do not believe in themselves.  Players that have great ability, but are uncoachable. Players that lack in ability, but have heart.  Players that have no clue how good they are, so they goof off.  Nevertheless, if you mutter through all that and in a game get a win, sometimes you do not realize what a miracle that just might be.

But back to my original question, Is a win the same as success?  I am going to say, "No."  The more I think about it, the more I believe a win is settling for less in the pursuit for success.  Success has no end, you can always be more successful.  However, when the clock horn sounds, or at the end of the 9th inning...you will find a win or a lose.  Both could be a measure of success.  I told the girls last night before the game, "Success is when preparation and opportunity meet."  The measure of preparation will determine the level of success once you have the opportunity to succeed.  I have gotten the chance to watch girls who never played the game of basketball succeed, because they wanted to be successful, not just win.  It was about development of their self.  Those who get stuck in the muck of opinionated parents, uncoachable attitudes, or hung up on wins or loses stifle real success from ever happening.  If they are lucky they might get a win here or there.

Sports throughout the years have taught me many life lessons.  Those that I have coached no matter the age I have tried to give those nuggets to them as I too try to use them.  In life you are going to have "haters"  no matter what you do.  You could be the best coach, teacher, parent, employee, player, or spouse, but someone is going to have an opinion that you are not the right person for the job.  You will hear people are replaceable in positions.  However, those statements typically get in people's heads to create poor attitudes, because those opinions/ statements have some truth.  So then the weight of success falls on you.  Will you settle for a few wins or will you be successful at wherever your feet are planted?  Will your preparation when given the opportunity create success?

My daddy taught me along time ago a lesson that seems to have missed some generations.  Stop playing the blame game.  Lack of success is never because of an outside source.  It is not because you work for a bad company, have terrible coaches, your spouse is mean, your parents did not care, or even that you grew up poor.  Lack of success happens because YOU do not put in the time for preparation.

I guess my thoughts this morning boil down to this... MY preparation will determine MY success when given the opportunity, and hopefully I will get a few wins along the way.

"In The Stillness"

Early mornings always have a sense of calm to them.  Maybe that is just because I do not have two little bodies running around stirring the whole house, and continuing chanting, " Mom. Mom. Mom." Or maybe it is because it is before the sun is up, and there is a stillness in the atmosphere.  I have noticed, included myself we struggle with stillness.  We wrestle with it.  Does that mean we do not move?  I do not believe so.  I believe it is a state of mind more than it has to do with motion.  We create motion so we do not have to be still, in our bodies or in our thinking.  It is almost like a domino effect.  Be still and know...  What a loaded regurgitated scripture, and statement, that we have a hard time even understanding the concept and point.

There are multiple studies out there that talk about average amount of times we make decisions a day.  They range from 220 to 700,000.  Regardless, the right average number it makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.  Like many in the Bible Belt, I have been taught there is a definite right path and wrong path.  There is never gray, it is always black and white.  You know, " The path of the Lord is through a narrow gate."  I believe that statement, but not in the context that it has been taught to me.  It has nothing to do with a path, meaning an actual path, but has everything to do with a state of mind and heart.  The narrow gate is choosing love over hate, forgiveness or vengeance, faith over fear, you get the point.  It is the harder state of heart and mind.  We would rather walk away than work it out.  Cuss people out, than to listen and understand.  Handling things in life contrary to what is easy is the narrow gate and the path of the Lord.

Decision making always is a struggle for me.  Which is the right way? Which is the wrong way? I do not want to mess up, or miss it.  I have been taught that the Lord is waiting to smack me over the head when I make a wrong choice.  Now, there have been times I totally needed the Lord and everyone else to smack me over the head for some decisions in life. However, do not get me wrong, there are natural consequences to decisions.  Sometimes, we do not for see those consequences.  Leadership in any sense is not something I take lightly, but I seem to always be thrusted into, even when I run from it.  It finds me.  So not only do I make decisions for my four, and try to say, "No more."  I also am typically making decisions for hundreds.  That is a lot of pressure.  More and more I am learning it is not necessarily a right way or a wrong way, it is in the being still that matters.

Sometimes you just know when a decision is wrong.  It is not out of fear or worry. It is just wrong.  As an example, shooting up would just be wrong,  and driving 103 miles an hour in a 25 speed zone just would be wrong.  But what happens when you do not know what the natural consequences are going to be.  I am huge on transparency and being relatable.  So I am going to go out on that limb.  Personally, my family has had offers to increase job opportunities.  It would not be much change in salary, maybe a little more,  more independence, but also more riding on self.  There are pros and cons, what do you do?  What do you do when you are typically the one that leads and you have no answers for those waiting?  Then in the waiting, those holding out for you to lead start to get discourage and immediately say, "Let's not do this."  They think it must be the wrong way, because I am not leading in any direction.  At the same time,  I am in a position that making decisions effects at least 150 families in my community, not including a future story for a community that clings to it's historical roots.  In this position, decisions that need to be made are not wrong or right, but more matters of comfort and opinions.  However, either direction will have natural consequences, that will greatly effect the community and families.  I put all options on the table when making decisions.  I try not to do anything without weighing it all out.  When I do that others around me think that I am heading in one direction, but that typically is not the case.  I want to make informative decisions.  In the gathering of information, I also am trying to be still.  Is there a right or wrong path in any of these situations?  God waiting to hit me over the head?  Probably not, but I am sure there are some people that want to.  

This is what I know, when I need wisdom, I seek those who are wise.  When I want informed, I go to those that have information.  When I need peace as I go, I go to the place where I find it; Some meditate, pray, take walks, work out, but I go to the Bible.  It must be spoken to me.  There are 89 verses in the Bible that talk about making crooked paths straight.  But with two of them it is prefaced by stating, "Prepare the way the of the Lord."  Which means to me I must do something to prepare for the crooked path to be straight. My answer to that is, "Be still and know that I am God."  It is how I prepare.  If he dwells inside of me, and orders my steps, then wherever I plant my foot he is there.  Being still before I step,  prepares me to take my first step, and as I left my leg in a direction within the atmosphere of stirring, "Make room she is about to step, and she comes in the name of the Lord, because that is not an item of clothing to take on and off.  It is in her. Prepare the way. The crooked paths will become straight."  What I can be assure of no matter the decisions or directions I go, I am not alone.  My stillness is almost over, I am about ready to step.

"Sowing Seeds"

It is the sixth day of what started out as a three day weekend in honor of Martin Luther King Jr.  I do not want to complain, but I want out of the house.  Snow has shut down our schools for three extra days.  They originally called for 1-3 inches of snow and we got 6-8 inches.  The city was not prepared.  Maybe they were prepared, but do not have the means to satisfy any of us or keep children safe as they ride a bus.  One can only do so many puzzles, board games, card games, and eat Tandy's food until you cannot move.  Do not get me wrong, I adore my boys, and I adore Tandy but I need... to be at a basketball court, be in a classroom, be around other people, to be helping special needs children.  After so many days not doing what I am made to do, I am like a fish out of water.  Almost like a refugee, because I have been displaced.  Stay at home mom is not my gig, although Tandy begs for it in the form of retirement.

This week I had another one of those moments that took me back to a "KNOW THAT I KNOW" moment.  I was talking to someone via text and I looked up at Tandy and said, "They missed it."  She smiled and said to me, "I know."  Those people whom I was talking about I love dearly, nothing could have changed the events that set course other than themselves, and now they are starting to see what it has cost them.  How often do we take chances in life or gamble on what is uncertain?  Almost never.  We go to what looks easy, what taste sweet, what looks peaceful, what looks secure and then find out it wasn't the way, because our journey needed us to take a risk.  A risk to trust.  A risk to believe. A risk to have faith.

I am in this holding place in my life.  I am trying not to fight it, but to let it do its work in me.  Ringing of, "Character before calling. Character before calling" in my head.  I am having my character developed.  It is interesting because people might think I have great character.  I am not saying I don't, but do I have faith with my character.  In different situations would I steal if I had no money?  I know it might be hard to think like that, but I have been put in that situation.  Do I have faith even enough to let God deal with situations or do I figure it out on my own?  And even finding the balance of both.  Will I walk with integrity even if there is personal gain if I don't?  What makes me mad, injustice?  Then do I speak truth, or do I say it will all work itself out? Where is the balance?

My hope in this place comes from the "SEED."  Seeds I have planted and seeds planted in me.  It is a time of growth.  Never underestimate the power of the seed.  Miracles happen because of seeds.  Hearts change because of seeds.  Mountains move because of seeds.  Restoration happens because of seeds.  I am not where I thought I was going to be, but the seed needed to be put in the ground.  Character needed challenged and cultivated.  Have I given up, "No."  Harvest will come as long as I take care of the seed.  I have not given up faith.  The power of the seed is what drives me.  I am displaced for it to do its work in me.  I believe God takes us to these places and then flashes us hope, which speaks, "The seed is not dead."  When seeds are nurtured then topsoils of hurt are shoved aways because the focus is the seed.  It is why Jesus could show mercy as people spat in his face.  It is why David knew he only needed stones to face a giant.  Seeds were being planted.  It is why Moses needed to be a shepherd before parting the Red Sea.  Seeds were being planted.  It is why in my life I was handed a Webble-Wobble person, from one of the most influential teachers, because a seed was being planted that I won't fall down.

Over and over my spirit cries out to find the seed.  Shove the topsoil away, find the seed.  Never underestimate the power of the seed.