Leashed Love

It to me is blistering cold outside this morning especially at the crack of dawn.  I am sure spending last week in Florida does not help me to stop thinking about how cold the weather feels in comparison of actual temperature.  Since we have been back, sleep is not a high priority for Charlee (the now over grown puppy) to let me sleep.  For the last two nights she has slept on me, beside me, and at 4 a.m. decides the bed is not the place she wants either of us to be.  So I then move down to the basement by the fire hoping she will be happy with that, but that too doesn't work.  Then I spend the next three hours until I can no longer bare it saying, "STOP CHARLEE, NO CHARLEE, GO LAY DOWN CHARLEE."  Welp, now all is well with the world for Charlee because I am up and now she is calm. Figures.  How do you love something so much, yet hate it at the same time?  The worse part about this season with Charlee is deer patrol.  Yes, deer patrol.  We are filtrated by deer daily, which drives Charlee nuts.  Running from windows to doors, barking.  I have never prayed for hunters, but I am this season.  Hunters please come and stay with us.  Tandy will cook and you can shoot all you want from our deck. Actually,  just walk out our front door.  Charlee will run them off if we let her out, but I worry she will get shot herself chasing them.  She gets so proud of it when she does, but it just stresses us out.  Leash walking it is until, fingers crossed, hunters have their way.

Charlee reminds me about somethings I have seen this week and people in general.  People do the same things as Charlee, they run from windows to doors barking to be heard.  Barking to scare off something out there that might be dangerous.  It is a scary time we live in right now, with all the barking.  You never know if someone will actually storm out the door to attack or do they have a leash on.  Left or Right, people have lost their humanity.  It is funny to me how one side will naturally always think that they are indefinitely correct in their thoughts, and ideas.  News Flash or Fake News, however your view, NO ONE IS CORRECT 100% of the time.   Barking has thrown ethics and morality to the way-side.  Last night we drove past a marque of a church that I highly regard which said, "Be Thankful for our Religious Liberties."  Do we have those?  I mean in theory we do.  However, there is a lot of barking at you if you if you do not claim Christianity.  I know there are plenty of Muslims that wonder if the barking will ever lead to an attack.   

Two memes that I've read this week have really bothered me.  One has come from the Left and the other from the Right.  The first meme was about Michelle Obama's new book.  It showed someone throwing away the book in the trash then says, "This is how you read Michelle Obama's new book."  The second meme has a picture of Ivanka Trump with the statement, "LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP!" Attaching the story of her using a personal email account for government business.  Both memes were posted by seemly people that I think are good people, but it very much gave me a different view of them.  Is it all just barking?  I don't know. However, the barking makes us focus on the barker.  It keeps us all on alert.  Here is the lesson I am learning and definitely learned this morning,   if I just get up instead of saying, "STOP CHARLEE, NO CHARLEE, GO LAY DOWN CHARLEE" the barking tends to stop faster and a leash shows I love her, which stops the attacks.  Maybe, if we all just would get up the calm would come.

Where's Waldo?

Every now and then when I let myself sit, you know just be in the quiet, I realize things about myself as I reflect.  As my journey in life progresses there are actually things that I am getting better at doing... We all have life patterns if we would recognize them.  I have said it before, one of my life patterns or purposes is always to move a group of people in a direction.  I cannot make them move, I cannot speak enough to change minds, however by who I am as leader direction changes.  That does not mean it is permanent.  What others do after I exit is up to them whether direction stays the same.  I do not take groups of people to the promise land though I used to suffer trying, but that is not my role in life.  My role/pattern is to stand at the Red Sea and say, "Come on let's walk through it."  And then just like that, you get to start a wilderness experience; Wondering why in the world did we ever walk through that Sea?

I am at that place again in life.  We have walked through the Red Sea found some Wilderness and now it is time for me to exit.  I am not suppose to go to the promise land.  How do I know?  When there are multiple groups of people waiting on me to hold up a staff, I know it is time to leave the ones I have already walked with through the sea.  I have taken pride in being the President of our local youth football league, made some changes, been in a position to love on kids and tried to put them first.  But it is time for me to exit.  I am not sure of the promise land for it,  but my time is up.  Last year, before I even realized it other things were starting to evolve and fall into place of where I need and should be.  I will say the hardest part is I cannot be all things to all people at the same time, because I so love youth sports.  But I will tell it isn't what it use to be.

Youth sports have become a catch all for participation trophies, and community belonging.  Those things are not bad, however it has cost us.  No longer are coaches allowed to coach.  You cannot push a kid because someone gets upset, because they do not like your tone.  No longer are volunteers valued, however they are slaughtered by words of negativity, though those doing the slaughtering are not willing to take time to volunteer themselves.  I was told this year by someone when I was going through a hard time with youth sports... "I got out of youth sports, because I was tired of destroying and losing friendships over it."  I now get it.  People do not like to hear, "Your child does not have the ability or even the desire to play." However on the flip side, "It is also painful for parents to watch their child not get a chance."  I have experienced both sides.  Personally, this year I sacrificed my own child's success to not let 12 other families down with having a team.  As a parent it has been very hard, but as a President it was the right decision.  I am not willing to make those calls anymore.

The seasons once again are changing in my life.  Sometimes, I often feel like I am in a Where's Waldo  book.  Next week I will pop-up on a basketball court.  Which I am excited about, and it also seems to be a season to make family memories as much as possible.   Seasonal change sometimes is like breathing fresh air.  I use to fight against it, but I am learning to embrace the need for things to die in-order for there to be new growth.

Are You Numb?

This past week I have watched interviews and videos of HOT BUTTON topics in the the news right now.  You do not typically see me post or rant about politics or hot button topics, because I firmly believe you have a right to your opinion, though I might not agree with you.  However, sometimes the bantering like children fighting over a toy, that goes on and on in our society does drive me nuts at times.  I am always up for a healthy debate on issues and views of the world around us.  Healthy being the operative word.  Nevertheless, most people are not up for a healthy conversation or debate they go for the jugular.  There comes a point where conversations are no longer about information exchanges or ideas, but it becomes about the kill.  Most people do not want to view human behavior as barbaric, but it seems we are less civilized than what we are willing to acknowledge.  People are cruel and it saddens me we are teaching generations that it is okay.

When in the world did everyone get so mean?  I can remember if people saw others in a fight they would stop and break it up.  Those notions are almost foreign.  The reason I know this is because we no longer stand against the MEAN of the world, yet stand with them.  Have you ever watched the show, "What Would You Do?" Well,  if you haven't the shows premise is to create situations in public to see how people would respond.  Basically, putting the MEAN out there to see if any good person will come and shut down the mean.  Interesting plot for entertainment, don't you think?  Which also tells me that my assumptions are true that MEAN is such a norm, that someone had a bright idea to show there might still be some good out there.

My thoughts are NOT on the HOT BUTTON topics, however once again when in the world did we all grow numb to the MEAN.  When did times change that we allow others to make fun of people with disabilities,  demoralize people over gender, race, social status, and ethnicity?  Or when did we decide to graze over any form of abuse.  I know this has always happened.  Groups of people oppressed,  but there were good folks out there that would join and stand up and say, "You know this just isn't right how people are treated."  Where are those people?  I watch good people care more about what is in their bank account than to Vote against such things.  Where are the good people?  Where are the Martin Luther King Jr.s,  Abe Lincolns,  Mahatma Gandis, Joan of Arcs, John Kennedys, and Nelson Mandelas?  Don't get me wrong all people have flaws and even the ones I listed have flaws.  There is a difference in flaws and mean.

Now,  I will nail the Church and Church Folk.  In the midst of MEAN, not only are you allowing it, but you lead it.  Hypocrisy of Christianity makes my blood boil faster than anything.  It is MEAN masked in good. (DISCLOSURE STATEMENT: There are still good saints among us.  Very few, it is almost like the Jedi Order) You know good ole scripture... Having a FORM of godliness but denying the power thereof...  But actually just this week I had pieces of the onion of revelation peeled back.  This is not new from the Church.  It is just what has happen behind the doors of the Church coming out into the streets, because the Church has become so full of it that it has no other place to go, but out.  I have said this many times and I said it again this past week.  It is one of those life changing statements that your heart speaks that your mind must wrap around.  Here is my message to the Church, because of the MEAN...  "If you really know Jesus he would have nothing to do with the Church.  Jesus would have to learn CHURCH, because he is so far removed from it."

This would be the modern day scene.  Politicians, Christianity all standing around with rocks labeled with words,  greed, sexual abuse, liar, mental abuse, slave, controlling etc... around those that are victims of the words on the rocks.  As the accusers (Politicians, Christianity)  raise their hands and scream, "IN THE NAME OF JESUS."  Jesus all the while, crouched down drawing in the sand beside the victims.  This time and in this story he doesn't stop the rocks from being thrown.  Not this time. This time he stays close to the ground where he knows the victims are going to fall.  The accusers sense justification as they see Jesus crouched on the ground because he is near. Yet, he is not near because of them.  The victims fall one by one as they are stoned.  Jesus as he stays close to them whispers in their ears,  "Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in Heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your Name, and done many wonders in Your name?' And then I will declare to them, I never you; depart from Me you who practice lawlessness! Don't worry I got you."

Right Now

Have you ever wanted to scream, but when you go to open your mouth there is no sound?  You slowly close your mouth knowing that the scream does not matter.  The scream does not change the situation.  The scream does not change your emotions.  The scream doesn't fix a thing.  It is just a scream.  Interesting how we always say, the what ifs... If I ever had... If I had to deal with... If that was my child... If I were the coach...  If that was my husband/wife... If, if, if...  Yet, we find ourselves in the "What ifs" and there we are mouths open with no sound.  Who is the scream for?  You? Those around you? The situation?  Or best option D. all the above?

I am writing today, because I have so many questions.  What do you do when the "What ifs" become reality?  How are you suppose to feel?  Act?  This is my dose of life at the moment.  What ifs that become reality.  In the last week,  I am starting to understand the reality of the "What ifs."  Here is what I know,  I am loved more than I can even comprehend.  People often say, "They are blessed."  However, I am more than blessed.  I am totally spoiled.  I have people and resources at my disposal.  They stretch at least 3 counties in West Virginia, not counting those across the country.  I have had my fair share of broken relationships, valued people, rejection, validation, in want, have plenty... Not too extreme toward one way or another.  I have experienced life and continue to do so.  Nothing on this earth is permanent.  What ifs are bound to happen.

I have watched people will and deal with the God of their understanding when the "What ifs" happen.  Is that what you are suppose to do?  Beg and plead?  I use to do that in my younger spiritual walk, because I was taught that the "What ifs" are and were punishments.  We as humans MUST blame someone or something for the "What ifs."  Of course they cannot just be happenings of life.  Sometimes, marriages end in divorce.  Sometimes, we lose loved ones.  Sometimes, we do not succeed.  Sometimes, my kid just isn't in the cool group or the star.  Sometimes, you do not get the job.  Sometimes, you do not win.  Sometimes, sickness happens.  Who's fault is it?  I don't know, but when you for sure find them and it... I too have some fingers to point.  My only answer to combat the "What ifs" is to focus on the "Right nows."  Consume my thoughts of things right in front of me.  It is the only solution that I have found to drown the "What ifs" out.

Owners and Renters

I want to try to take a minute to write.  It is 4:30 a.m.  No one woke me, but my own self.  Seems like I haven't really gotten to talk to anyone in awhile.  My daily schedule is work, pick-up boys, football, eat, and then repeat.  In that time, much of my day is putting out fires.  Whether it is at work, between the boys, or football.   I walked downstairs to four crockpots of food cooking, and yes it is on purpose.  It is football season.  It is what happens in this house.  I would venture to say I love football more than any other sport.  I love it more than the sports I am great at playing or even the one's I have coached.  Not sure why, but I do.  I watch game film in slow motion of all our teams more than once a week.  I have learned the game.  Never played, other than in my backyard growing up.  I love it so much that  it does not bother me to stay at the field for hours.  Today, is that day.  Youth Football home games.  Add pictures on-top of that, with a slice of drama no doubt.

I have a bone to pick.  Working with 175 families in a season has shown me people have this sense of entitlement.   That concept is so foreign to me.  Over the years, I have watched it get worse.  They take, push, fight because it seems they think they are owed something.  Out of the 175 families,  there is probably 1% of them that help, volunteer, and donate.  Usually, that 1% do all three.  Great example,  out of 175 participates we received 35 cases of drinks donated.  I am not harping though I hope to throw some guilt, but it is a great example of where we are in the world.  This past week I have been bombarded with calls from families stating, "If I do not get this then we won't..."  You can fill in the blanks.

I use to work for a woman that I still to this day believe, she is one of the smartest business minded humans beings  I have ever met.  She did not grow-up with the sense of entitlement.  I have watched her work a room in many different aspects as she plans to only increase her business.  She would calculate conversations and meetings.  She taught me a lot of things about life.  Still to this day I can call her and she would come if I needed her.  Some of her many statements I will never forget.

"You are always replaceable.  Someone in life will always want to be where you are now."

Then there was my favorite life lesson she tried to teach me.  She happened to call me into her office one day,  I am sure it was to scold me a little (typically, I needed it), but it ended in this lesson.  She looked at me from across her desk and said, "Chana, there are renters and owners in life.  You need to know the difference.  Renters are people who do not care if they mess things up, because it is not theirs.  They will leave dents and holes in walls.  They will pull up carpet.  There is no ownership in the messes they leave.  Do not be a renter in anything you do.  Be an owner in life value it all, claim it as yours, and surround yourself with others that do the same."

I talked to her yesterday on the phone.  I needed her for something simple and she showed up to help just with her words of saying, "Sure you can use what I have."  We do not speak like we once did or nearly as often as I would like, but as I hung up the phone I remembered the lesson.  It then made sense to my week.  It has been a week of dealing with 'RENTERS.'  I cannot expect them to act like Owners when they are not.  They want to rent and move on.  I have also learned if someone wants to move on, let them.  Maybe the next Renter really is an Owner, and the last Renter is just taking up space wreaking havoc for the future Owner to be.  Owners are the 1% of all groups and organizations stay close to them and instead of patching the holes the Renters, just kick them out.  New Renters will come, "You are always replaceable.  Someone in life will always want to be where you are now."

Beyond The Books

There are times when I sit down to write that my mind is such a mess, that it is hard for me to focus.  Who am I kidding? It is hard for me to focus anyway.  I was that child in school.  Day dreaming, my body being in a desk, but who knows where my mind was throughout class.  I have said it a thousand times, teachers molded my views of who I am more than anyone else.  They ranked right next to my parents.  Now as an adult, if you see me and think her parents must of... you need to put in there her teachers must of... whether good or bad they gave me views of the world around me and myself.  In this blog I might say things about teachers that could offend, though it is my passion, so beware.

It is that time of year where I hear, "Mom do you know who my teacher is, yet?"  My children struggle in school and always want to know who their teacher is for the year.  They have never been good readers because of learning disabilities. People think if a child has a learning disability it is a nice way to say, "They are not smart" or around here "They are a little slow."  That is not true.   They hate to read and it is hard for them.  It is not that they do not want to be better, but it so frustrates them that they do not want to deal with it.  Both of my boys have been misdiagnosed a time or two in their early school years.  Poor Landon was once told in 1st grade he needed to be held back as he excelled in every subject, but reading.  Upon further investigation, we decided to have him evaluated in reading and found out he was dyslexic.  After spending $500+ in evaluations, my first frustration was at the teacher.  Most people think teaching is about reading, math, science and social studies, but it really is not.  Yes, children get taught those things, and they need to learn those things, however that is not what makes a good teacher.  Good teachers go way beyond that. They mold you.  Hopefully in a good way.  My high frustration with Landon's 1st grade teacher was not because he struggled in reading,  it was she did not love or invest in him enough to know why he was struggling in reading, but at the end of the year wanted to hold him back because of it.  Luke over the years, same thing.   He has always been identified with a learning disability.  However, he is now entering middle school and out of all the years of elementary school there have been only 2 teachers that have impacted him.  Six years, 2 teachers.  Sad.

Out of 12 years as a student in public education, I can only name 4 teachers who really impacted my life and learning.  What that really means is about 70% of my learning experience in school was not memorable.  I do not remember the first book I read... however I do remember in 4th grade watching my teacher laugh and sing while sticking her middle finger up and her thumb out stating, "Look it is the state of WV," while we were learning about our state.  We all would giggle.  Her class loved her, because she wanted relationship with us.  We bought into fun as we learned.  She was nonconventional and we loved it.  She let us be us and she would applaud.  It did not matter what 'US' looked like as long as it was authentic.  We expected the same from her.  I could also go on and on about the other 3 teachers who I love and adore still to this day, but that is not the point.

My point is in this process and system of education there is much time wasted in creating real purpose.  Teachers feel as though they have such high demands that they often teach for the state test or whatever goal is being asked of them to pursue at the beginning of the year.  I see it as I sit in staff meetings when stress comes across a teacher's face when given more expectations when administration is talking about achievement.  Just this week I was talking to another teacher friend from another county who always has high state scores.  She brought up, "It is not hard to get good scores.  I teach from bell to bell.  That does not mean I am up there teaching, but my kids are learning.  I do not teach things for scores or test."  Honestly, I know her enough to know the key to her success... She builds relationships.  She creates a family.  Doesn't matter if little Susie's IQ is 65, she is family.

Teaching special education is a 'thankless' job.  It  can be very frustrating.  There is a lot of paperwork and high burnout rate.  Not only do I teach special education, but I teach at the bottom and most colleagues do not look at me as a teacher at all.  I teach Preschool Special Needs.  Which is federally mandated that public school systems must provide an educational environment for children with special needs starting at age three.  Guess who gets them? It is me.  Here is my goal this year, and hopefully every other year until I retire.  I am gonna love them and they are gonna be family.  I hope some will learn to speak, walk, eat, read or whatever their needs are, but for as long as I have them they will feel loved to be their authentic self.  My teacher friends invest in "beyond the books."  It will change your scores,  and your class atmosphere.  Hoping for everyone to have a great year, my foundational rock for this year will be me constantly telling myself... GO BEYOND THE BOOKS.

US and THEM

There are things in life I am not good at or with... I am not good at handling disappointment or hurt. Not sure if anyone is or not, but it is not my strong point.  I get stuck there at times to the point of anger and high frustrations.  I am also not good at standing my ground when I want to please others that I love.  I would rather you be pleased than do whatever I want, nevertheless feel as though each give is killing apart of me inside.  I muster through it for greater reasons like peace, and compromise.  Yet, when those things are not acknowledged the stickiness of the process begins this stir in me that I do not know how to handle.  There are times I want to hate because of hurt, but in a second glance feel so sorry for those that caused the hurt. Typically their lives are a pitiful mess that they themselves cannot see.

My greatest delight in thought is when I can place spiritual and secular/natural together.  Not church lingo or Christianese... but real connections of who I am holistically.  Or the understanding of who people really are holistically.  I was taught to stay away from the nasty in life.  The "Bad People" those that lie, cheat, and steal for whatever reason.  My biggest adult struggle is and was grasping that  God loves them just as much as he loves me.  Most might say, "Well Duh" to that thought.  What I am really saying is... living holy does not make God love me anymore than running a muck.  His stance never changes.  Living holy does not make me closer to God's love than it does if I cheat.  Isn't that the goal in Christianity to be closer to God?  However, the older I get I am understanding it is not my actions of what I am or not doing that draws me closer to God, but my transparency of the reality of me recognizing really who I am.

There is a minister named, Nadia Bolz-Weber, who also happens to be an author.  She now does little clips of thought on social media, but I first was approached by her thoughts through her book, "Accidental Saints, finding God in all the wrong people."  It is a great book that will change Christian goggles of who and what God is loving.  The dividing line that Christian puts in place typically of an 'US and Them.'  The longer I walk this life, I understand I am 'THEM' and 'US' is a made up thought never created by God, but by man.  That our journeys are not a one size fits all, and it is okay for it not to be.  Walking out your salvation is just that, your walk.  That thought gives a whole different stance of how we should view everything around us.

My thoughts this morning are circling.  Those that I say are pitiful messes that frustrate me, anger me, disappointment me, and hurt me...are exactly the same as this pitiful mess.  I am 'THEM.'  God loves them just as much as he loves me.  Secular society defines us by labels, but that is not how we are seen through the eyes of God. There is no dividing line.  We are all his and he loves all the same with the same measure.  I know that challenges theology in my little Bible belt.  I am okay with that.  I would rather me let God love me for my authentic self than to work up a self that is untrue.  I get so judgmental when I watch others think they are better than others, yet I do the same in other ways.  It might not be because of material things, but it happens with spiritual things, moral, and ethical ways. You know the core of people, which is the worse place to judge, because we are all so flawed.  We/I cast stones labeled from the labels given to us which reproduce this vicious cycle of destroying one's spirit.  How about that for Christian?  I guess my reality this morning is those that hurt and frustrate me are me... mirrored, and it is actually the cause of my hurt and frustration.  I am 'THEM.'  (OUCH!)